Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 3
People wrestle alligators but not once has someone done it without an audience.
I don't like life that much. It's not that big a deal for me... I don't want to know I have cancer till it's visible to the naked eye.
It's thirty days since the terrorist act. George Bush has told us to go back to our normal lives and to go back to what we used to do, so I've gone back to thinking that George Bush is a soft-headed tit and a danger to all of us.
You were born free, you got fucked out of half of it and you wave a flag celebrating it.
If you are in here and you are gay and you are offended that I'm using the word faggot, I apologize and I'll suck your dick after the show.
Don't eat a mushroom stem and see colors; eat the whole bag and see God one time in your life.
Your kids should not affect my life at all, but they do; I have to pay for HBO just to hear a comedian say "fuck" to protect your kids.
At least black people knew when they were slaves; you remain clueless.
I think a lot of women look at prostitutes like they’re scabs crossing an union picket line, where they go: "You can’t just go out and sell it for what it’s worth, we’re holding out for so much more!"
After every school shooting, parents come on television and say: 'Rap music is the problem. And drugs. And the lack of metal detectors.' No. The problem is that a lot of your kids are aggressive dicks and you won't do shit about it. That's the problem.
Marriage itself is an antiquated institution, it has no place in a progressive society.
Old people always tell you: 'When you've been around as long I have, then you can argue.' As soon as they're ripped off, it's a different story.
"It's the violence in the media that's the problem..." No, the problem is a lot of your kids are dicks and you won't do shit about it.
You’re born absolutely free except for laws of nature, if you drink you get drunk, that’s a law, if you get old you die, that’s a law too; if you sit on a tack you will bleed from the ass, these are the only laws that you’re born with.