Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 4

Marriage itself is an antiquated institution, it has no place in a progressive society.

After every school shooting, parents come on television and say: 'Rap music is the problem. And drugs. And the lack of metal detectors.' No. The problem is that a lot of your kids are aggressive dicks and you won't do shit about it. That's the problem.

Shouldn't the long-term goal of any society be complete unemployment?

If you have a good product. You don't need to advertise. You've done drugs? Did you ever see them advertised?

When you consider the overpopulation in this world... homosexuality is completely underrated in this society.

That's why cocaine is illegal - it makes pussy too easy to get.

There’s only so many pictures of yourself you can look at and hate before you have to just accept that you are a goofy looking fuck.

Child pornography is the only crime that you cannot report to the police as an eyewitness.

I will call you stupid for not knowing shit that I just found out yesterday.

If God had intended women to prostitute themselves, he would have given them a free will and a vagina.

I have no fear of death, except I hate waiting for it.

You were born free, you got fucked out of half of it and you wave a flag celebrating it.

Don't eat a mushroom stem and see colors; eat the whole bag and see God one time in your life.

At least black people knew when they were slaves; you remain clueless.

It's simple: you legalise drugs. If all of a sudden fucking Walmart has mushrooms, pot, in a whole aisle, then there's no financial motivation for drugs gangs to be beheading people. Then proper crime and robbery, which should be illegal, we focus on that.