Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 4
If second hand smoke is killing that many people and nicotine is so addictive then why is no one addicted to second hand smoke?
"It's the violence in the media that's the problem..." No, the problem is a lot of your kids are dicks and you won't do shit about it.
Shouldn't the long-term goal of any society be complete unemployment?
I hate when your friends quit drinking on you, don't you? It's sad. I've lost more friends to AA than Liberace did to the virus. It's sad to see 'em go. You see a thirty day chip on your buddy's key ring, it's like seeing a toe tag on his cold, stiff corpse.
Hard work is fine if its a work of passion but just to work hard to buy shit to impress people. You're a fucking loser.
When you consider the overpopulation in this world... homosexuality is completely underrated in this society.
There’s only so many pictures of yourself you can look at and hate before you have to just accept that you are a goofy looking fuck.
I'm like a finger in the ass; you don't know if it's going to be the best orgasm of your life or you're just going to shit the bed.
A lot of the Olympic games just boil down to genetics. Michael Phelps is genetically built to swim better than other people if he trains the same way. You might as well have a competition for who’s the tallest, and act like it’s anyone’s game!
If you have a good product. You don't need to advertise. You've done drugs? Did you ever see them advertised?
I would have let a lot of people out of prison. I would start scaling back, I'd fire lots whole branches of government. I would bring troops back from every corner of the world. Politics is fucked beyond parties. With flat-form issues, people should be figuring shit out for themselves. I think I'd make a better terrorist than a president. I'm putting all my motivation into the wrong avenue.
Democracy is the worst kind of government, I’m sorry. Would you still call yourself a Christian if they elected a new Jesus every four years?