Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 4

If second hand smoke is killing that many people and nicotine is so addictive then why is no one addicted to second hand smoke?

I wish the 50 states would break up. Lose the centralised government. More choice. How do you want to live, there’s 50 different ways! You hate black people? We’ve a state for that. You wanna have an abortion? Here’s a state. I think we should just keep breaking up countries now so they become just individuals.

I hate when your friends quit drinking on you, don't you? It's sad. I've lost more friends to AA than Liberace did to the virus. It's sad to see 'em go. You see a thirty day chip on your buddy's key ring, it's like seeing a toe tag on his cold, stiff corpse.

Shouldn't the long-term goal of any society be complete unemployment?

When you consider the overpopulation in this world... homosexuality is completely underrated in this society.

I would have let a lot of people out of prison. I would start scaling back, I'd fire lots whole branches of government. I would bring troops back from every corner of the world. Politics is fucked beyond parties. With flat-form issues, people should be figuring shit out for themselves. I think I'd make a better terrorist than a president. I'm putting all my motivation into the wrong avenue.

There’s only so many pictures of yourself you can look at and hate before you have to just accept that you are a goofy looking fuck.

If you have a good product. You don't need to advertise. You've done drugs? Did you ever see them advertised?

Democracy is the worst kind of government, I’m sorry. Would you still call yourself a Christian if they elected a new Jesus every four years?

That's why cocaine is illegal - it makes pussy too easy to get.

I have no fear of death, except I hate waiting for it.

Some people say, “Ya, I don’t have to drink to have a good time.” Okay ya, but that means you have to have a good time to have a good time.

I will call you stupid for not knowing shit that I just found out yesterday.

Suicide is another thing that's so frowned upon in this society, but honestly, life isn't for everybody. It really isn't. It's sad when kids kill themselves 'cause they didn't really give it a chance, but life is like a movie: if you've sat through more than half of it and it sucked every second so far, it probably isn't gonna get great right at the very end for you and make it all worthwhile. No one should blame you for walking out early. Dont get any ideas....

Hard work is fine if its a work of passion but just to work hard to buy shit to impress people. You're a fucking loser.