Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 4

A lot of the Olympic games just boil down to genetics. Michael Phelps is genetically built to swim better than other people if he trains the same way. You might as well have a competition for who’s the tallest, and act like it’s anyone’s game!

I wish the 50 states would break up. Lose the centralised government. More choice. How do you want to live, there’s 50 different ways! You hate black people? We’ve a state for that. You wanna have an abortion? Here’s a state. I think we should just keep breaking up countries now so they become just individuals.

Shouldn't the long-term goal of any society be complete unemployment?

Don't eat a mushroom stem and see colors; eat the whole bag and see God one time in your life.

At least black people knew when they were slaves; you remain clueless.

If you have a good product. You don't need to advertise. You've done drugs? Did you ever see them advertised?

Democracy is the worst kind of government, I’m sorry. Would you still call yourself a Christian if they elected a new Jesus every four years?

When you consider the overpopulation in this world... homosexuality is completely underrated in this society.

I have no fear of death, except I hate waiting for it.

There’s only so many pictures of yourself you can look at and hate before you have to just accept that you are a goofy looking fuck.

That's why cocaine is illegal - it makes pussy too easy to get.

I will call you stupid for not knowing shit that I just found out yesterday.

If God had intended women to prostitute themselves, he would have given them a free will and a vagina.

Child pornography is the only crime that you cannot report to the police as an eyewitness.

Suicide is another thing that's so frowned upon in this society, but honestly, life isn't for everybody. It really isn't. It's sad when kids kill themselves 'cause they didn't really give it a chance, but life is like a movie: if you've sat through more than half of it and it sucked every second so far, it probably isn't gonna get great right at the very end for you and make it all worthwhile. No one should blame you for walking out early. Dont get any ideas....