Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 6
Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won’t bring their kids over to your house?
You want to help mother Earth? Try sodomy. Sodomy is eco-friendly, and abortion is green.
The good old days; it was good because they were young but they act like it was the day. No, youth is good. That's gone. You're fucked.
Sex and children are the two things that delude logic the most in this society.
I don't have a gun. But I think they level the playing field. I accept that there's really nothing you can do about it. It's like nuclear weapons; if they exist then eventually other people are going to have them. Maybe just take away people's motivation to use them.
Suicide is another thing that's so frowned upon in this society, but honestly, life isn't for everybody. It really isn't. It's sad when kids kill themselves 'cause they didn't really give it a chance, but life is like a movie: if you've sat through more than half of it and it sucked every second so far, it probably isn't gonna get great right at the very end for you and make it all worthwhile. No one should blame you for walking out early. Dont get any ideas....
"Some people just join the military because they need college money." Then they're idiots and college wasn't going to help.
If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?
Fuck someone uglier than you every now and then, even if they don't deserve it; cos that makes people happy.
How do you pledge allegiance to a government? That’s all America is: a government. There’s no such thing as ‘we’re Americans.’ That’s just trivial bullshit to get you rooting for the home team. You’re not an American. You’re a guy, you’re a person, you’re an individual.
With all the horrible, horrible shit that your priest is pumping into your kid's head, his dick should be the least of your worries, honestly. That's just a little mouthwash and a few years of therapy'll get rid of that. That Jesus shit will torture you for a lifetime.
There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.