Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 6
They never differentiate between drug users and drug addicts... I've done most drugs there are socially, I never had a problem.
Sex and children are the two things that delude logic the most in this society.
Charlie Chaplin said something to the effect that humor is an act of defiance, that we must laugh in the face of our helplessness in the forces of nature or go insane. And where is he now? Dead.
It was either me or Confucius that said the journey of a thousand miles begins with a vicious ass raping at airport security.
If I know your sexuality within the first thirty-seconds of meeting you, you're fucking annoying.
"Some people just join the military because they need college money." Then they're idiots and college wasn't going to help.
Give me tired old whore porn... I can imagine she would at least fuck you well.
Fuck someone uglier than you every now and then, even if they don't deserve it; cos that makes people happy.
The ultimate act of cowardice is the fat-headed wrestling guy sitting behind the frail kid in math class, clipping him on the ear, saying: 'What are you going to do about that, faggot?' That is cowardice. When the bullets start flying past that jock's saucer-shaped ears, that's not cowardice. That's payback.
I couldn't possibly explain why the common person would be against something like that. It's all rooted in sexual hang-ups. The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society. I don't know why anyone would want to get married heterosexually, so why they'd be against homosexual marriage is flummoxing. I only use that word when I'm talking to someone from the British press.