Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 6
How do you pledge allegiance to a government? That’s all America is: a government. There’s no such thing as ‘we’re Americans.’ That’s just trivial bullshit to get you rooting for the home team. You’re not an American. You’re a guy, you’re a person, you’re an individual.
Charlie Chaplin said something to the effect that humor is an act of defiance, that we must laugh in the face of our helplessness in the forces of nature or go insane. And where is he now? Dead.
Sex and children are the two things that delude logic the most in this society.
If I know your sexuality within the first thirty-seconds of meeting you, you're fucking annoying.
They never differentiate between drug users and drug addicts... I've done most drugs there are socially, I never had a problem.
It was either me or Confucius that said the journey of a thousand miles begins with a vicious ass raping at airport security.
Fuck someone uglier than you every now and then, even if they don't deserve it; cos that makes people happy.
The good old days; it was good because they were young but they act like it was the day. No, youth is good. That's gone. You're fucked.
"Some people just join the military because they need college money." Then they're idiots and college wasn't going to help.
Don't fucking work hard you die at the end, didn't anyone ever tell you that?
With all the horrible, horrible shit that your priest is pumping into your kid's head, his dick should be the least of your worries, honestly. That's just a little mouthwash and a few years of therapy'll get rid of that. That Jesus shit will torture you for a lifetime.