Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 7

The good old days; it was good because they were young but they act like it was the day. No, youth is good. That's gone. You're fucked.

Don't fucking work hard you die at the end, didn't anyone ever tell you that?

Whether the reasoning for these laws is insurance costs, more opportunities for random taxation through traffic stops, curbing lost production or any other justification that could be offered, the bottom line is that it isn't governments place. You own your body. No legislation should infringe on that.

With all the horrible, horrible shit that your priest is pumping into your kid's head, his dick should be the least of your worries, honestly. That's just a little mouthwash and a few years of therapy'll get rid of that. That Jesus shit will torture you for a lifetime.

If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?

There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.

Fuck that. If it's stupid, change it... If it's a dumb law, don't have it.

Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won’t bring their kids over to your house?

Religious tolerance. No! Zero tolerance for any type of religion.

I've never tried to drive my career in any particular direction. I've always been an in-the-moment, live-for-today guy. I've never had a goal, and nearly everything I've done has been an accident. I just play to me, and if I can amuse myself, I consider it a victory.

The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society.

If people would just fuck right away and stop all the song and dance that goes with it, we could have colonies on Mars by now.

This country is a big bloated celebrity that thinks it doesn't have to pay the cover charge.

You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best.

I hate Sarah Palin in the same way I hate a book by its cover. It's her pandering, Fifties sitcom character persona. It is nothing to do with what she's saying because anything those people are saying is trying to dupe the masses on some level. The fact that a personality like that could be taken as anything other than cartoonish is worrying. Like Bozo the Clown, "It's time we should all vote, kids!" and then people saying, 'You know what, that guys really got something.' It's a fucking clown with floppy shoes and you're taking him seriously?