Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 7
It was either me or Confucius that said the journey of a thousand miles begins with a vicious ass raping at airport security.
I couldn't possibly explain why the common person would be against something like that. It's all rooted in sexual hang-ups. The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society. I don't know why anyone would want to get married heterosexually, so why they'd be against homosexual marriage is flummoxing. I only use that word when I'm talking to someone from the British press.
Separation of Church and State is the perineum of America and the episiotomy didn’t hold.
Excess in moderation: don’t drink a few beers every day after work, wait ‘till the end of the month and drink all the beers at once.
I think about suicide every fucking day of my life and I think the only thing stopping me is the lack of a perfect idea.
I've never tried to drive my career in any particular direction. I've always been an in-the-moment, live-for-today guy. I've never had a goal, and nearly everything I've done has been an accident. I just play to me, and if I can amuse myself, I consider it a victory.
If people would just fuck right away and stop all the song and dance that goes with it, we could have colonies on Mars by now.
Give me tired old whore porn... I can imagine she would at least fuck you well.
They never differentiate between drug users and drug addicts... I've done most drugs there are socially, I never had a problem.
Why would you die for someone's sins? Your sins are the only thing interesting about you, you dreary, bleak motherfuckers.
The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society.
When you give to American Throat Cancer or whatever, it's almost like you're trying to buy karma. But you don't feel good about it because you know most of that is going to mailers and buying pink ribbons. When you fucking actually change a life like that, I've never felt better. That's something that, hopefully, I'll be talking about when I'm up there.