Dov Davidoff Quotes and Jokes

304 quotes

My dad was old school Jewish. Not do your taxes Jewish - steal your car Jewish.

First it was the priests, then the thing with the boy scouts, and then it was Michael - now, it's the priests. It seems like every time adults are really hanging out with these boys - if this stuff is so prevalent, maybe we should stop pointing the finger at the adults, start looking at these sexy-ass boys.

Housewife porn is the only morally appropriate kind, because they're all in healthy, committed relationships.

The vagina is like a hot dog, if I really know what’s in it, I can’t eat it. I’m kidding, I can eat it, but it’s weird.

Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It's like a tattoo that yells at you.

False humility is thinly veiled ego disguised as self confidence.

I would knock at the door, and I'd be like, 'Dad, are you OK?' And he was so high, he couldn't respond with anything that had to do with the question. You literally heard him in there go, 'I'm in the garage.'

Big black guys fear air travel almost as much as old white women fear big black guys.

Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.

I didn't know you could name a Puerto Rican 'Israel' 'cause I'm pretty sure you'll never meet a Jew named 'Puerto Rico.'

Sex is for sissies. Real men are into auto-erotic asphyxiation.

Getting knee surgery - X girlfriend asked if I needed any help. My answer; no. My thought; I'd rather die than accept your help.

Being a white supremacist is like getting into porn. At some point you gotta be like, "what the fuck was I thinking?"

Ending a sentence with "yo", is like saying, "I don't want a job. Not today. Not ever." Know what I mean yo?

The color red is associated with romance and blood, but not at the same time.