Dov Davidoff Quotes and Jokes

304 quotes

My dad was old school Jewish. Not do your taxes Jewish - steal your car Jewish.

First it was the priests, then the thing with the boy scouts, and then it was Michael - now, it's the priests. It seems like every time adults are really hanging out with these boys - if this stuff is so prevalent, maybe we should stop pointing the finger at the adults, start looking at these sexy-ass boys.

Housewife porn is the only morally appropriate kind, because they're all in healthy, committed relationships.

The vagina is like a hot dog, if I really know what’s in it, I can’t eat it. I’m kidding, I can eat it, but it’s weird.

I would knock at the door, and I'd be like, 'Dad, are you OK?' And he was so high, he couldn't respond with anything that had to do with the question. You literally heard him in there go, 'I'm in the garage.'

The color red is associated with romance and blood, but not at the same time.

False humility is thinly veiled ego disguised as self confidence.

I was in the pharmacy. They have two ply condoms now, for real. Two ply... a guy turns to me. He goes, “Hey, do you think I should go for the two ply or the regular?” I was like, “Hey, if you’re even thinking two ply... Maybe you shouldn’t fuck her.”

Age is just a number, unless of course your trying to have a conversation with them.

Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It's like a tattoo that yells at you.

Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.

You can't assume the best about people. If I get a girl home and she takes her pants off, and it looks like she's got herpes, I can't afford to assume she got stung by a pack of bees.

Somebody cut my bike seat. Think about that. What level of misery must you have experienced as a kid to see my 10-speed tied to a pole, pull out a blade and be like, 'Look at this rich mother fucker right here.' You know, like I control the banks because I own a Huffy. I'm the bad guy; I'm the guy you want to get back at.

You know you're too high when you're eating cereal naked and your girlfriend says, 'Put your clothes on,' and then you realize it's not your girlfriend, it's some woman on a bus.

Being anti-social can also mean that you're aware of how annoying it is to be social.