Quotes & Jokes by Dov Davidoff / page 2

'Homemade' sounds much better when not referring to tattoos.

"If you got it, flaunt it" may be decent advice for prostitutes, but no one else.

I would knock at the door, and I'd be like, 'Dad, are you OK?' And he was so high, he couldn't respond with anything that had to do with the question. You literally heard him in there go, 'I'm in the garage.'

Gay people speak each others language in a way that we don’t as heterosexual people. You meet a girl. Initially, you want to fuck her. She don’t want to, because she’s a girl… With gay guys that’s a meeting of the minds. Being gay is like walking into a shoe store and like,"Sir, do you have a size 10?" and the guy says, "They’re all size 10s!"

What is sex addiction? I asked a doctor and the guys goes, "Sex addiction... People will end up doing something they don’t want to do just for sex." Isn’t that called a first date, man? If sex was the result of something I wanted to do, there’d be condoms all over my PlayStation.

Everybody's angry with me because, apparently, I outed my cousin during an argument over a turkey leg. My cousin goes, 'You had the last leg.' I was like, 'You're gay.'

Age is just a number, unless of course your trying to have a conversation with them.

Somebody cut my bike seat. Think about that. What level of misery must you have experienced as a kid to see my 10-speed tied to a pole, pull out a blade and be like, 'Look at this rich mother fucker right here.' You know, like I control the banks because I own a Huffy. I'm the bad guy; I'm the guy you want to get back at.

America's objective in the Middle East is to create democracy in the same way that my goal on a first date to feed women.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but conversations with them generally end in dissapointment.

Money can't buy happiness, unless you're favorite hooker's name is 'Happiness'.

Nike store won't accept my Starbucks card as payment. Come on guys, just do it.

I'm pretty happy for someone who struggles with happiness.

Not sure how I feel about reality. I'm going to begin purchasing stuffed animals and endowing them with the qualities people in my life lack.

The downside of aging is a slower metabolism and achy joints.The upside is a knowledge of self that prevents one from behaving like a baboon.