Drew Carey Quotes and Jokes

124 quotes

Boy, a drive-through liquor store. God bless America! A place where you can drive through and buy whiskey, beer... just the thing for that drunk driver who's constantly on the go. Cant stop now! I've got places to go, people to hit!

Just because a guy has a shaved head, pierced nipples, and doesn't have sex with women doesn't make him gay. It just makes him down on his luck.

Violence doesn't solve anything? World War I. World War II. Star Wars. Every Super Bowl. Who says violence doesn't solve anything?

Liquor prohibition led to the rise of organized crime in America, and drug prohibition has led to the rise of the gang problems we have now.

Hollywood people are filled with guilt: white guilt, liberal guilt, money guilt. They feel bad that they're so rich, they feel they don't work that much for all that money - and they don't, for the amount of money they make.

Oh, and once, when I was in the Marines, I got a perfect score on my physical fitness test.

I never thought I was a libertarian until I picked up Reason magazine and realized I agree with everything they had printed.

Hello. And welcome to Whose Line is it Anyway?, the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. The points here are kind of like Canada.

I had no problem going into retirement mode, ... I do what other retired guys do. I putter around the house and travel.

I was in the band when I was a kid, I played the trumpet.

Weirdo. Weirdo. Underachiever. Weirdo. Weirdo.

Libertarians are essentially what the Republicans were 30 years ago. Abraham Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan. They'd all fit more under the Libertarian label than the modern day Republican label.

One day I was running around playing with my son Connor when afterwards I was sweating, tired and out of breath. I was embarrassed that something as enjoyable as playing with my son was so tough for me to do. Immediately I started an extensive diet and exercise plan. It completely changed my life and helped cure my Type-2 diabetes.

I always get screwed by the system. That's my place in the universe. I'm the system's bitch.

Look, this is an odd question, but you're kind of cute and you're pretty nice to me. Are you drunk? It's OK if you are.