Quotes & Jokes by Eddie Izzard / page 10
In my first year I was taught about the slide rule. They said, "The slide rule is important. Without it you can do nothing. The slide rule is the modern weapon of efficiency. With the slide rule you can get from here to the stars. Buy it, use it – your slide rule!" Within one year it was, "Burn the slide rule. The calculator can add up with none of this fucking sliding the shit around and working out where that bit in the middle goes. Smash it over your head."
I felt audiences are happier to take comedy people who play darker people because there's a link between the psychosis of comedy and the psychosis of being a twisted character.
You can't land on the moon and say, "Ooh, it's all sticky! It's covered in jam!”
When a bird gets sucked into an engine they call it "bird strike". It's not bird strike, it's "engine suck"!
I definitely have breast envy. When teenage girls were saying 'I wish I had breasts', I was thinking the same thing.
We will now sing forth, hymn 405, 'Oh God, what on earth is my hairdo all about?'
They say that 'Guns don't kill people, people kill people.' Well I think the gun helps. If you just stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.
Agatha Christie? We go back years, me and Ag. She's a … she's just a … she's dead, isn't she?
Mr. Charles Darwin, who looked a bit like God which is interesting, wrote a book called You're a Fucking Money, Mate. He played around with the title for a while: We're All Fucking Monkeys; You're a Fucking Monkey, Mate; Get Out of My Face, You Fucking Monkey. And he ended up with On The Origin of Species.