Quotes & Jokes by Eddie Izzard / page 11

Agatha Christie? We go back years, me and Ag. She's a … she's just a … she's dead, isn't she?

I can go from blokey to girlie in 15 minutes and then I'm out the door. But that's the fastest I can do it. Becoming a woman takes work.

When I first came out, I thought, I want to walk like a real woman, I don't want to do mincing steps. And there was some girl I saw walking up Holloway Road in Islington who had this long languid walk and I thought, that's what I like, so I incorporated her walk into mine.

I definitely have breast envy. When teenage girls were saying 'I wish I had breasts', I was thinking the same thing.

Remove your pajamas from your body. Tie knots in the arms and the legs and the head and the everything. And then whip them over your head very fast and then inflate them to the size and consistency of a small speed boat.

Before birds get sucked into jet engines, do they ever think, "Is that Rod Stewart in first class?"

And then earlier than that there were the crusades. The crusades were totally fucked. Richard the Lionheart, who had the heart of a lion as well as his own. He ripped it out of the lion, and the lion was left with a bicycle pump and not much to do.

They say that 'Guns don't kill people, people kill people.' Well I think the gun helps. If you just stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.

I am two lesbians in a man's body.

As long as they're homophobic behind closed doors, and don't hurt anyone, I'm fine with it.

They tend to come out a colour called 'Pants left in wash'

You're going to eat that later? You're going to take it home?

Oh, I'm not allowed to do anything. Well fuck off then. If your not going to do anything then what's the use, just piss off. Stop asking us to mumble things on Sundays.

Pears can just fuck off too. 'Cause they're gorgeous little beasts, but they're ripe for half an hour, and you're never there. They're like a rock or they're mush. In the supermarket, people banging in nails. "I'll just put these shelves up, mate, then you can have the pear." … So you think, "I'll take them home and they'll ripen up." But you put them in the bowl at home, and they sit there, going, "No! No! Don't ripen yet, don't ripen yet. Wait til he goes out the room! Ripen! Now now now!”

In stand-up it really helps to play yourself and talk about your own feelings. You cannot fail to be original if you're just talking about what you think about X, Y and Z. Unless you've got a twin brother who's also a stand-up.