Eddie Murphy Quotes and Jokes


Alright, listen up! I don't like white people. I hate rednecks. You people are rednecks. That means I'm enjoyin' this shit.

That's my idol, Elvis Presley. If you went to my house, you`d see pictures all over of Elvis. He's just the greatest entertainer that ever lived. And I think it's because he had such presence. When Elvis walked into a room, Elvis Presley was in the fucking room. I don't give a fuck who was in the room with him, Bogart, Marilyn Monroe.

I've been in prison for three years. My dick gets hard if the wind blows.

You're gonna be the nine-toed-havingest-limpingest bitch in Harlem if you don't stop fucking with me.

Now, a brother's dick is too big, so it'll fuck up his balance... Every time you see a brother in a wheelchair, he ain't always crippled.

Mick Jagger's lips' so big, black people be going, "You got some big-ass lips!"

Bear and a rabbit were taking a shit in the woods. And the bear turns to the rabbit and says, "Excuse me, do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?" And the rabbit says, "No." So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

I tell ya, I'm bout as crazy as a dog in a hubcap factory.

Jacuzzi? See, I knew y'all was faggots!

Once you've had a man with no legs, you never go back baby.

The advice I would give to someone is to not take anyone's advice.

I want a woman that's going to arouse my intellect as well as my lions.

This is how you answer a door in my neighborhood. WHO IS IT?

Now I can't have no 'curse' show - I mean - I got to throw in a few jokes in between the curses! I can't come out and just go "Hello! Filth flar'n filth, motherfucker, dick, pussy, snot, and shit. Good night! Suck my dick!

Disturbing the peace? I got thrown out of a window! What's the fuckin charge for getting pushed out of a moving car, huh? Jaywalking?!