Eddie Murphy Quotes and Jokes

81 quotes

Alright, listen up! I don't like white people. I hate rednecks. You people are rednecks. That means I'm enjoyin' this shit.

I've been in prison for three years. My dick gets hard if the wind blows.

That's my idol, Elvis Presley. If you went to my house, you`d see pictures all over of Elvis. He's just the greatest entertainer that ever lived. And I think it's because he had such presence. When Elvis walked into a room, Elvis Presley was in the fucking room. I don't give a fuck who was in the room with him, Bogart, Marilyn Monroe.

You're gonna be the nine-toed-havingest-limpingest bitch in Harlem if you don't stop fucking with me.

Jacuzzi? See, I knew y'all was faggots!

Once you've had a man with no legs, you never go back baby.

Bear and a rabbit were taking a shit in the woods. And the bear turns to the rabbit and says, "Excuse me, do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?" And the rabbit says, "No." So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

Now, a brother's dick is too big, so it'll fuck up his balance... Every time you see a brother in a wheelchair, he ain't always crippled.

Mick Jagger's lips' so big, black people be going, "You got some big-ass lips!"

There's something about the ice cream truck that makes kids lose it. And they can hear that shit from ten blocks away. They don't hear their mothers calling but they can hear that motherfucking ice cream truck.

This is how you answer a door in my neighborhood. WHO IS IT?

There's a song out now called Ain't Nothing Going On But The Rent. So when a man asks a woman Hey, baby! What's going on? The woman will say, The rent, motherfucker!

It occurs to me that the best way you hurt rich people is you turn them into poor people.

I ain't never been in no cell that had a phone in it. Can I stay for a while? I ordered some pizza.

All right, bitch, you want to fight? We can fight then, you fat motherfucker, l'm tired of your shit!