Quotes & Jokes by Eddie Murphy / page 3

Is it just me, or does every woman in New York have a severe emotional problem?

It's your aptitude, not just your attitude that determines your ultimate altitude.

I’d like to produce, direct, write, score, and star in a film in exactly the way Chaplin did. I’ll do that before I’m thirty.

I am a man who has never tied his own shoes before!

This is the cleanest and nicest police car I've ever been in my life. This thing is nicer than my apartment.

The advice I would give to someone is to not take anyone's advice.

The white man gets all the best catchphrases!

Okay, I got no car, I got no money, and I'm gonna end the day off with this goddamn dope man's Uzi by my temple! Thank you, Jack! Look, this is Jack's day, why don't you just let Jack shoot me? Save your bullet! Jack, why don't you shoot me? Shoot me, Jack!

Right now we’ve got to stretch that dollar as far as we can.

Disturbing the peace? I got thrown out of a window! What's the fuckin charge for getting pushed out of a moving car, huh? Jaywalking?!

I think in twenty years I’ll be looked at like Bob Hope. Doing those president jokes and golf shit. It scares me.

I keep telling people I’ll make movies until I’m fifty and then I’ll go and do something else. I’m going to be a professional gentleman of leisure.

Now I can't have no 'curse' show - I mean - I got to throw in a few jokes in between the curses! I can't come out and just go "Hello! Filth flar'n filth, motherfucker, dick, pussy, snot, and shit. Good night! Suck my dick!

All right, bitch, you want to fight? We can fight then, you fat motherfucker, l'm tired of your shit!

Brothers act like they couldn’t have been slaves back 200 years ago. It ain’t like the motherfuckers liked that shit. “I wish I was a slave, I would fuck somebody up! Shit, tell me to bale some motherfucking cotton! I would been on the street and shit, would’ve come up and say, ‘Ay, yo, n*****, bale this cotton!’ I would say, ‘Suck my dick, massa!’”...<br /> The first dude who got off the boat said that shit. <br /> “Bale that cotton!”<br /> “Fuck you motherfucker!”<br /> [crack of a whip]<br /> The other motherfuckers said, “We’ll bale the shit. Just keep that fucking shit away from me.”