Quotes & Jokes by Eddie Murphy / page 3

The thing about kids is that they express emotion. They don’t hold back. If they want to cry, they cry, and if they are in a good mood, they’re in a good mood.

Is it just me, or does every woman in New York have a severe emotional problem?

It's your aptitude, not just your attitude that determines your ultimate altitude.

I’d like to produce, direct, write, score, and star in a film in exactly the way Chaplin did. I’ll do that before I’m thirty.

I am a man who has never tied his own shoes before!

This is the cleanest and nicest police car I've ever been in my life. This thing is nicer than my apartment.

The advice I would give to someone is to not take anyone's advice.

Disturbing the peace? I got thrown out of a window! What's the fuckin charge for getting pushed out of a moving car, huh? Jaywalking?!

The white man gets all the best catchphrases!

I think in twenty years I’ll be looked at like Bob Hope. Doing those president jokes and golf shit. It scares me.

Right now we’ve got to stretch that dollar as far as we can.

Okay, I got no car, I got no money, and I'm gonna end the day off with this goddamn dope man's Uzi by my temple! Thank you, Jack! Look, this is Jack's day, why don't you just let Jack shoot me? Save your bullet! Jack, why don't you shoot me? Shoot me, Jack!

Now I can't have no 'curse' show - I mean - I got to throw in a few jokes in between the curses! I can't come out and just go "Hello! Filth flar'n filth, motherfucker, dick, pussy, snot, and shit. Good night! Suck my dick!

All right, bitch, you want to fight? We can fight then, you fat motherfucker, l'm tired of your shit!

I keep telling people I’ll make movies until I’m fifty and then I’ll go and do something else. I’m going to be a professional gentleman of leisure.