Quotes & Jokes by Eddie Murphy / page 3

I’m 42 and the age of a guy who has kids, so I guess I’m playing right where I’m supposed to be. I’m comfortable with that, but in the same breath I’d do something edgy. If someone came to me and offered me an edgy and funny story, then I’d do it.

Disturbing the peace? I got thrown out of a window! What's the fuckin charge for getting pushed out of a moving car, huh? Jaywalking?!

Is it just me, or does every woman in New York have a severe emotional problem?

I am a man who has never tied his own shoes before!

I think in twenty years I’ll be looked at like Bob Hope. Doing those president jokes and golf shit. It scares me.

It's your aptitude, not just your attitude that determines your ultimate altitude.

The white man gets all the best catchphrases!

All right, bitch, you want to fight? We can fight then, you fat motherfucker, l'm tired of your shit!

Now I can't have no 'curse' show - I mean - I got to throw in a few jokes in between the curses! I can't come out and just go "Hello! Filth flar'n filth, motherfucker, dick, pussy, snot, and shit. Good night! Suck my dick!

The advice I would give to someone is to not take anyone's advice.

This is the cleanest and nicest police car I've ever been in my life. This thing is nicer than my apartment.

I’d like to produce, direct, write, score, and star in a film in exactly the way Chaplin did. I’ll do that before I’m thirty.

I ain't never been in no cell that had a phone in it. Can I stay for a while? I ordered some pizza.

Right now we’ve got to stretch that dollar as far as we can.

Okay, I got no car, I got no money, and I'm gonna end the day off with this goddamn dope man's Uzi by my temple! Thank you, Jack! Look, this is Jack's day, why don't you just let Jack shoot me? Save your bullet! Jack, why don't you shoot me? Shoot me, Jack!