Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 10

I found our cat the other day. I would have found him a week ago, but we have a grass bag on our lawnmower.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

The only work I ever turned down was a cable programme called Diving for Excrement.

Oh yes, I've tried my hand at sex.

Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.

I was in New York City, performing at an epilepsy benefit. Had ‘em rolling in the aisles.

The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?" I said, "I don't know. You can't see out the other way."

I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

So if there are any ladies out there who fancy a little Emo action... well... I don't want to blow my own horn... Which is why I'm making this offer tonight.

If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.