Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 10

I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I'd got out.

I found our cat the other day. I would have found him a week ago, but we have a grass bag on our lawnmower.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

The other day I was sitting on the stoop. That’s a stupid nick-name. I’m mean my Aunt Bessie.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.

I was in New York City, performing at an epilepsy benefit. Had ‘em rolling in the aisles.

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.

I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

The only work I ever turned down was a cable programme called Diving for Excrement.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.