Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 10

You know how when you pee in the toilet it sounds like a chipmunk commanding you to kill Kenny G?

The other day I was sitting on the stoop. That’s a stupid nick-name. I’m mean my Aunt Bessie.

I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I'd got out.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ.

I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.

I was in New York City, performing at an epilepsy benefit. Had ‘em rolling in the aisles.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

The only work I ever turned down was a cable programme called Diving for Excrement.

In school I was never the class clown, but more the class trapeze artist, as I was always being suspended.