Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 10
Before I left for college, my dad said, 'you know, son, I'm going to miss you.' I said, 'I know; that's because I broke the sights off your shotgun.'
The only work I ever turned down was a cable programme called Diving for Excrement.
I was in New York City, performing at an epilepsy benefit. Had ‘em rolling in the aisles.
The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?" I said, "I don't know. You can't see out the other way."
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.
I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.
My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'
I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
So if there are any ladies out there who fancy a little Emo action... well... I don't want to blow my own horn... Which is why I'm making this offer tonight.
Well! I feel happy these days. I've started taking a herbal anti-depressant. It's called Saint John's Wort. Apparently it's the best-selling anti-depressant in many places. It's the most popular anti-depressant in Germany... After, I'm guessing, amnesia...