Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 9

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'

My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker.

I don't know if I have sexual magnetism or animal magnetism, though sometimes I'll find a squirrel stuck to my forehead.

I learned about sex the hard way… from books.

Before I left for college, my dad said, 'you know, son, I'm going to miss you.' I said, 'I know; that's because I broke the sights off your shotgun.'

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.

I think of people as members of an audience. But an audience acts independently of every individual. It’s an organism on its own. I focus on that living hydra in the dark.

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

I found our cat the other day. I would have found him a week ago, but we have a grass bag on our lawnmower.

One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.

Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.

The other day I was sitting on the stoop. That’s a stupid nick-name. I’m mean my Aunt Bessie.