Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 9

One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.

The nicest present I ever got was an exploding suppository.

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.

I think of people as members of an audience. But an audience acts independently of every individual. It’s an organism on its own. I focus on that living hydra in the dark.

Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.

I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I'd got out.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

I learned about sex the hard way… from books.

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker.

I found our cat the other day. I would have found him a week ago, but we have a grass bag on our lawnmower.

Before I left for college, my dad said, 'you know, son, I'm going to miss you.' I said, 'I know; that's because I broke the sights off your shotgun.'