Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 9

Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?

Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.

Before I left for college, my dad said, 'you know, son, I'm going to miss you.' I said, 'I know; that's because I broke the sights off your shotgun.'

I learned about sex the hard way… from books.

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

I don't know if I have sexual magnetism or animal magnetism, though sometimes I'll find a squirrel stuck to my forehead.

The nicest present I ever got was an exploding suppository.

One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.

I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.

I think of people as members of an audience. But an audience acts independently of every individual. It’s an organism on its own. I focus on that living hydra in the dark.

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.

My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker.

Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.

You know how when you pee in the toilet it sounds like a chipmunk commanding you to kill Kenny G?