Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 11

The only work I ever turned down was a cable programme called Diving for Excrement.

Oh yes, I've tried my hand at sex.

I’ll do anything for my wife, it’s turning out.

The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?" I said, "I don't know. You can't see out the other way."

So if there are any ladies out there who fancy a little Emo action... well... I don't want to blow my own horn... Which is why I'm making this offer tonight.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.

Well! I feel happy these days. I've started taking a herbal anti-depressant. It's called Saint John's Wort. Apparently it's the best-selling anti-depressant in many places. It's the most popular anti-depressant in Germany... After, I'm guessing, amnesia...

I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.

They call me "Good Time Emo". Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.

Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they’re funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.

I was in the park, pulling out stray nose hairs with my pliers. Those sleeping winos hate it when you do that.

I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.

Well, aren't you a saucy sack of estrogen?

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.