Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 11

Oh yes, I've tried my hand at sex.

I was in the park, pulling out stray nose hairs with my pliers. Those sleeping winos hate it when you do that.

The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?" I said, "I don't know. You can't see out the other way."

So if there are any ladies out there who fancy a little Emo action... well... I don't want to blow my own horn... Which is why I'm making this offer tonight.

They call me "Good Time Emo". Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.

I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.

Well! I feel happy these days. I've started taking a herbal anti-depressant. It's called Saint John's Wort. Apparently it's the best-selling anti-depressant in many places. It's the most popular anti-depressant in Germany... After, I'm guessing, amnesia...

It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.

In school I was never the class clown, but more the class trapeze artist, as I was always being suspended.

I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ.

Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they’re funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.

Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It’s like the original violins were made in Cremona and there’s never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.

Well, aren't you a saucy sack of estrogen?

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.'