Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 11

You know how when you pee in the toilet it sounds like a chipmunk commanding you to kill Kenny G?

If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.

Well, aren't you a saucy sack of estrogen?

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

They call me "Good Time Emo". Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.

Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.

I give money to Unicef because I like the ‘bang for your buck’ aspect. Here’s $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!

I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ.

I was in the park, pulling out stray nose hairs with my pliers. Those sleeping winos hate it when you do that.

They always have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like under-achievers.

Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It’s like the original violins were made in Cremona and there’s never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.

So, I pleaded guilty on advice of the lawyer, which is the last time I ever listen to a prosecuting attorney.

I’ll do anything for my wife, it’s turning out.