Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 12

Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.

I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ.

I give money to Unicef because I like the ‘bang for your buck’ aspect. Here’s $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!

I’ll do anything for my wife, it’s turning out.

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.

There’s a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin’s theory of evolution - ‘Why didn’t I think of that?’

They always have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like under-achievers.

So, I pleaded guilty on advice of the lawyer, which is the last time I ever listen to a prosecuting attorney.

I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.

Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.

I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.

I was sick of people making fun of my hair and so I cut it off and I've got much more attention than ever before. It was like when Mona Lisa was stolen from the Louvre in 1906 - three times more people came to see where it used to be.