Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 12

I’ll do anything for my wife, it’s turning out.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

There’s a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin’s theory of evolution - ‘Why didn’t I think of that?’

I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.

I give money to Unicef because I like the ‘bang for your buck’ aspect. Here’s $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!

I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.

They always have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like under-achievers.

I was sick of people making fun of my hair and so I cut it off and I've got much more attention than ever before. It was like when Mona Lisa was stolen from the Louvre in 1906 - three times more people came to see where it used to be.

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.

So, I pleaded guilty on advice of the lawyer, which is the last time I ever listen to a prosecuting attorney.

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.