Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 12
It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.
In school I was never the class clown, but more the class trapeze artist, as I was always being suspended.
I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.
I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.'
When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
So I'm trying to undress this woman with my eyes... but I got them caught in her zipper.
I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.
I woke up with a bloody nose this morning. I said, 'yeech, who threw that in there?'
The other day I was sitting on the stoop. That’s a stupid nick-name. I’m mean my Aunt Bessie.