Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 12

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.

I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.'

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.

So, I pleaded guilty on advice of the lawyer, which is the last time I ever listen to a prosecuting attorney.

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers... damn anthropologists.

I used to think I knew everything, but older you get the more you see other areas. If you could read everything about both sides, you’ll pretty much be in the middle again, which is the state you had when you were totally ignorant. So my theory is if you maintain total ignorance - which isn’t easy, but I try - you’ll be just as far ahead as if you’d spent days and days reading about the whole issue. And you have that much extra time to play Pac-man.

People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

They always have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like under-achievers.

When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.