Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 12
I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ.
I give money to Unicef because I like the ‘bang for your buck’ aspect. Here’s $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
They always have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like under-achievers.
So, I pleaded guilty on advice of the lawyer, which is the last time I ever listen to a prosecuting attorney.
In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.
When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
There’s a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin’s theory of evolution - ‘Why didn’t I think of that?’