Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 12

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.'

I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.

So, I pleaded guilty on advice of the lawyer, which is the last time I ever listen to a prosecuting attorney.

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.

I used to think I knew everything, but older you get the more you see other areas. If you could read everything about both sides, you’ll pretty much be in the middle again, which is the state you had when you were totally ignorant. So my theory is if you maintain total ignorance - which isn’t easy, but I try - you’ll be just as far ahead as if you’d spent days and days reading about the whole issue. And you have that much extra time to play Pac-man.

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers... damn anthropologists.

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.

I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.

People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.

When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.