Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 12

I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ.

I give money to Unicef because I like the ‘bang for your buck’ aspect. Here’s $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!

The other day I was sitting on the stoop. That’s a stupid nick-name. I’m mean my Aunt Bessie.

They always have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like under-achievers.

I’ll do anything for my wife, it’s turning out.

So, I pleaded guilty on advice of the lawyer, which is the last time I ever listen to a prosecuting attorney.

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.

There’s a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin’s theory of evolution - ‘Why didn’t I think of that?’

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.