Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 13
Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
I give money to Unicef because I like the ‘bang for your buck’ aspect. Here’s $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
There’s a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin’s theory of evolution - ‘Why didn’t I think of that?’
I was sick of people making fun of my hair and so I cut it off and I've got much more attention than ever before. It was like when Mona Lisa was stolen from the Louvre in 1906 - three times more people came to see where it used to be.
So I'm trying to undress this woman with my eyes... but I got them caught in her zipper.
When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
I’m totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can’t give out a number without laughing. It’s a problem when I’m giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: ‘He must have just stolen it.’
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, the Lord doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me. ... and I got it!
I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, “children are our most prescious natural resource”. I thought, “let’s hope it never comes to that”.