Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 13
People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.
When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
I was sick of people making fun of my hair and so I cut it off and I've got much more attention than ever before. It was like when Mona Lisa was stolen from the Louvre in 1906 - three times more people came to see where it used to be.
I’m totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can’t give out a number without laughing. It’s a problem when I’m giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: ‘He must have just stolen it.’
I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.
You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers... damn anthropologists.
I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
So I'm trying to undress this woman with my eyes... but I got them caught in her zipper.
I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.
I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, “children are our most prescious natural resource”. I thought, “let’s hope it never comes to that”.
I used to think I knew everything, but older you get the more you see other areas. If you could read everything about both sides, you’ll pretty much be in the middle again, which is the state you had when you were totally ignorant. So my theory is if you maintain total ignorance - which isn’t easy, but I try - you’ll be just as far ahead as if you’d spent days and days reading about the whole issue. And you have that much extra time to play Pac-man.