Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 13
So I'm trying to undress this woman with my eyes... but I got them caught in her zipper.
Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they’re funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.
I read somewhere that 77 percent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 percent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.
Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It’s like the original violins were made in Cremona and there’s never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.'
Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
Santa Fe is fun to visit, but property there will cost you an arm and a dillo.
I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
Every night my wife used to give me a foot massage. And my face would smell weird afterwards, but...
He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.