Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 13
People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.
I was sick of people making fun of my hair and so I cut it off and I've got much more attention than ever before. It was like when Mona Lisa was stolen from the Louvre in 1906 - three times more people came to see where it used to be.
I used to think I knew everything, but older you get the more you see other areas. If you could read everything about both sides, you’ll pretty much be in the middle again, which is the state you had when you were totally ignorant. So my theory is if you maintain total ignorance - which isn’t easy, but I try - you’ll be just as far ahead as if you’d spent days and days reading about the whole issue. And you have that much extra time to play Pac-man.
The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, “children are our most prescious natural resource”. I thought, “let’s hope it never comes to that”.
Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they’re funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
Santa Fe is fun to visit, but property there will cost you an arm and a dillo.
He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
Did you know that a single fur coat takes 14 trees just for the protest signs?
Every night my wife used to give me a foot massage. And my face would smell weird afterwards, but...