Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 13
They always have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like under-achievers.
There’s a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin’s theory of evolution - ‘Why didn’t I think of that?’
Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
I give money to Unicef because I like the ‘bang for your buck’ aspect. Here’s $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
I was sick of people making fun of my hair and so I cut it off and I've got much more attention than ever before. It was like when Mona Lisa was stolen from the Louvre in 1906 - three times more people came to see where it used to be.
When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
So I'm trying to undress this woman with my eyes... but I got them caught in her zipper.
I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.
I’m totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can’t give out a number without laughing. It’s a problem when I’m giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: ‘He must have just stolen it.’
The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, “children are our most prescious natural resource”. I thought, “let’s hope it never comes to that”.
My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.