Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 13
Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.
The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
I used to think I knew everything, but older you get the more you see other areas. If you could read everything about both sides, you’ll pretty much be in the middle again, which is the state you had when you were totally ignorant. So my theory is if you maintain total ignorance - which isn’t easy, but I try - you’ll be just as far ahead as if you’d spent days and days reading about the whole issue. And you have that much extra time to play Pac-man.
You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers... damn anthropologists.
I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
So I'm trying to undress this woman with my eyes... but I got them caught in her zipper.
I’m totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can’t give out a number without laughing. It’s a problem when I’m giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: ‘He must have just stolen it.’
When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.
The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, “children are our most prescious natural resource”. I thought, “let’s hope it never comes to that”.
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, the Lord doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me. ... and I got it!