Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 4
Cell phones are like a dog’s nipples. You don’t have to shout into them.
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
I was at a disco a few nights ago. I was tearing up the dance floor. I had a nail in my shoe.
I’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back…
My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.
Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of "Not this again," and "Hey, where did you learn that?"
When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
At family gatherings in the holidays, there was always some aunt, you know, with a moustache and a wart on her head, and she gives you a big sloppy kiss, ssssshhhhhkkkkk, you know, but when you try to go further with her... Oh boy. You know!
When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading.
Isn't this a wonderful country? I was in Florida. I'm staying at a motel called the Three Palms. It's run by a middle-aged couple, one of whom is missing a hand. OK! That's what I thought, too! But they got upset when I asked.
My dad always said, "If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade". Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
I met this girl at a rock concert once, and we went back to her place. She lit some candles and incense and said, ‘All right, Emo, you make the next move.’ …So I sacrificed her poodle to Zorkon the Space God.