Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 4
Cell phones are like a dog’s nipples. You don’t have to shout into them.
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
I’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back…
When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
I was at a disco a few nights ago. I was tearing up the dance floor. I had a nail in my shoe.
My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.
Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of "Not this again," and "Hey, where did you learn that?"
When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading.
At family gatherings in the holidays, there was always some aunt, you know, with a moustache and a wart on her head, and she gives you a big sloppy kiss, ssssshhhhhkkkkk, you know, but when you try to go further with her... Oh boy. You know!
I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.