Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 5

Writing jokes for others is like having babies for someone else. It’s sad. Like the woman who gives up her baby but needs to be close so she secretly becomes the maid in the household.

My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.

I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.

I met this girl at a rock concert once, and we went back to her place. She lit some candles and incense and said, ‘All right, Emo, you make the next move.’ …So I sacrificed her poodle to Zorkon the Space God.

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.

My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, "Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?"

But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting "Kill the fairy"...

My girlfriend said, "Emo, I'm seeing another man." I said, "Well, try rubbing your eyes or something."

People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.

I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.

All prayers are basically a request: "Please break the laws of the physical universe for my convenience. Amen."

'You look slinky,' I said to her at the top of the stairs.

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.

I found our cat the other day. I would have found him a week ago, but we’ve got a grass bag on the lawn mower.

Once my mom caught me in bed with a chicken. Boy, was there egg on my face!