Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 5

My teacher was by and large.... but anyway.

A few days ago, it was my birthday, and it was in the newspaper, and growing up I never would have guessed that a) my name would be in the newspaper, and b) that I might outlast those papers.

My dad always said, "If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade". Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.

I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.

I went into the gas station, said, "Fill 'er up, Harry." The guy said, "Regular?" I said, "No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy."

But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting "Kill the fairy"...

All prayers are basically a request: "Please break the laws of the physical universe for my convenience. Amen."

Writing jokes for others is like having babies for someone else. It’s sad. Like the woman who gives up her baby but needs to be close so she secretly becomes the maid in the household.

My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, "Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?"

I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

'You look slinky,' I said to her at the top of the stairs.

Once my mom caught me in bed with a chicken. Boy, was there egg on my face!

What’s the difference between a jazz guitarist and a pepperoni pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four.