Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 5

My girlfriend said, "Emo, I'm seeing another man." I said, "Well, try rubbing your eyes or something."

My teacher was by and large.... but anyway.

I met this girl at a rock concert once, and we went back to her place. She lit some candles and incense and said, ‘All right, Emo, you make the next move.’ …So I sacrificed her poodle to Zorkon the Space God.

Writing jokes for others is like having babies for someone else. It’s sad. Like the woman who gives up her baby but needs to be close so she secretly becomes the maid in the household.

My dad always said, "If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade". Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.

My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, "Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?"

All prayers are basically a request: "Please break the laws of the physical universe for my convenience. Amen."

I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.

But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting "Kill the fairy"...

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.

'You look slinky,' I said to her at the top of the stairs.

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.

Once my mom caught me in bed with a chicken. Boy, was there egg on my face!

People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.

I went into the gas station, said, "Fill 'er up, Harry." The guy said, "Regular?" I said, "No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy."