Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 5

My teacher was by and large.... but anyway.

I met this girl at a rock concert once, and we went back to her place. She lit some candles and incense and said, ‘All right, Emo, you make the next move.’ …So I sacrificed her poodle to Zorkon the Space God.

My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, "Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?"

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.

I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.

People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.

I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.

My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.

My girlfriend said, "Emo, I'm seeing another man." I said, "Well, try rubbing your eyes or something."

But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting "Kill the fairy"...

'You look slinky,' I said to her at the top of the stairs.

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.

I found our cat the other day. I would have found him a week ago, but we’ve got a grass bag on the lawn mower.

All prayers are basically a request: "Please break the laws of the physical universe for my convenience. Amen."

Once my mom caught me in bed with a chicken. Boy, was there egg on my face!