Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 6
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Libertarians believe consenting adults have the right to do whatever they choose, except band together.
My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
When I was young, my father had a serious heart attack. He survived, but we lost our house and car. Under the Canadian Medicare system, though, we would have kept the house and car and would have just had to pay the inheritance tax.
I went into the gas station, said, "Fill 'er up, Harry." The guy said, "Regular?" I said, "No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy."
What’s the difference between a jazz guitarist and a pepperoni pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four.
When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
My parents were very protective of me. Whenever I went to cross the street, they would get very excited and start making bets.
I love my family. I came home the other days. My brother's passed-out on the couch, holding an empty bottle of sleeping pills. So I called the paramedics, and they pumped his stomach, and I think he's learned his lesson: you know, never to take my last two sleeping pills.
Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'
I ran into a woman I dated last year. I said, "You gave me a rash!" She said, "Put something on it." I said, "OK. Ten bucks says it was you."
Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
I was walking down the street, something caught my eye... and dragged it fifteen feet.
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.