Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 6
I found our cat the other day. I would have found him a week ago, but we’ve got a grass bag on the lawn mower.
My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
What’s the difference between a jazz guitarist and a pepperoni pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four.
Libertarians believe consenting adults have the right to do whatever they choose, except band together.
When I was young, my father had a serious heart attack. He survived, but we lost our house and car. Under the Canadian Medicare system, though, we would have kept the house and car and would have just had to pay the inheritance tax.
When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
I ran into a woman I dated last year. I said, "You gave me a rash!" She said, "Put something on it." I said, "OK. Ten bucks says it was you."
My parents were very protective of me. Whenever I went to cross the street, they would get very excited and start making bets.
Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'
I love my family. I came home the other days. My brother's passed-out on the couch, holding an empty bottle of sleeping pills. So I called the paramedics, and they pumped his stomach, and I think he's learned his lesson: you know, never to take my last two sleeping pills.
When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
I went to school, you know. I was in grammar school. Once we were taking a test. I was copying this other kid’s paper, and I guess the teacher heard my Xerox machine. And she said, “Emo, am I stupid or were you cheating?” I said, “Ah, yes and no.”
Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.