Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 6
All prayers are basically a request: "Please break the laws of the physical universe for my convenience. Amen."
Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'
I was walking down the street, something caught my eye... and dragged it fifteen feet.
But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting "Kill the fairy"...
My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
What’s the difference between a jazz guitarist and a pepperoni pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four.
Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
My parents were very protective of me. Whenever I went to cross the street, they would get very excited and start making bets.
When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
I ran into a woman I dated last year. I said, "You gave me a rash!" She said, "Put something on it." I said, "OK. Ten bucks says it was you."
I went into the gas station, said, "Fill 'er up, Harry." The guy said, "Regular?" I said, "No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy."
Tori is a teenage girl studying drama, which is kinda like a Mexican taking Spanish.