Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 7

Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.

If you’re worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn’t get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.

I was at the airport trying to pick up my mother. Well, it was dark in that lounge...

My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

Sometimes my mother goes through my socks and underwear. I wouldn't mind, but it tickles so much!

I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.

People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

I got pulled over by the cops because I was swerving a bit while trying to change the radio. It was a shame, 'cos I'd almost disconnected the old one.

I'm not as good a swimmer as I used to be - thanks to evolution.

People ask me how much I weigh. I tell them, 145 pounds, naked. That is, if that scale outside the drugstore is anything to go by.

I'm not a fatalist. But even if I were, what could I do about it?

I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a bladder por favor." The guy said "Is that to go?" I said, "Well what else would I want it for?"

I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don’t know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.