Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 7

Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.

If you’re worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn’t get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.

I was walking down the street, something caught my eye... and dragged it fifteen feet.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.

Sometimes my mother goes through my socks and underwear. I wouldn't mind, but it tickles so much!

I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.

People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

My nephew said, "Uncle Emo, are you giving me a puppy for Christmas?" I said, "Now, now! You've been shaking the box, haven't you?"

I'm not a fatalist. But even if I were, what could I do about it?

I got pulled over by the cops because I was swerving a bit while trying to change the radio. It was a shame, 'cos I'd almost disconnected the old one.

I'm not as good a swimmer as I used to be - thanks to evolution.

People ask me how much I weigh. I tell them, 145 pounds, naked. That is, if that scale outside the drugstore is anything to go by.

For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.