Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 7

If you’re worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn’t get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

Tori is a teenage girl studying drama, which is kinda like a Mexican taking Spanish.

My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.

I was at the airport trying to pick up my mother. Well, it was dark in that lounge...

I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.

Sometimes my mother goes through my socks and underwear. I wouldn't mind, but it tickles so much!

People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"

People ask me how much I weigh. I tell them, 145 pounds, naked. That is, if that scale outside the drugstore is anything to go by.

I'm not as good a swimmer as I used to be - thanks to evolution.

Well, my brother says "hello"! So, hooray for speech therapy.

I'm not a fatalist. But even if I were, what could I do about it?

I got pulled over by the cops because I was swerving a bit while trying to change the radio. It was a shame, 'cos I'd almost disconnected the old one.

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don’t know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.