Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 7
If you’re worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn’t get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.
Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
I was walking down the street, something caught my eye... and dragged it fifteen feet.
My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
My nephew said, "Uncle Emo, are you giving me a puppy for Christmas?" I said, "Now, now! You've been shaking the box, haven't you?"
I got pulled over by the cops because I was swerving a bit while trying to change the radio. It was a shame, 'cos I'd almost disconnected the old one.
People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"
Sometimes my mother goes through my socks and underwear. I wouldn't mind, but it tickles so much!
For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.