Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 7
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.
I went to school, you know. I was in grammar school. Once we were taking a test. I was copying this other kid’s paper, and I guess the teacher heard my Xerox machine. And she said, “Emo, am I stupid or were you cheating?” I said, “Ah, yes and no.”
Tori is a teenage girl studying drama, which is kinda like a Mexican taking Spanish.
I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
Sometimes my mother goes through my socks and underwear. I wouldn't mind, but it tickles so much!
I was at the airport trying to pick up my mother. Well, it was dark in that lounge...
People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"
I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don’t know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.
People ask me how much I weigh. I tell them, 145 pounds, naked. That is, if that scale outside the drugstore is anything to go by.
I got pulled over by the cops because I was swerving a bit while trying to change the radio. It was a shame, 'cos I'd almost disconnected the old one.