Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 7
If you’re worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn’t get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.
I was at the airport trying to pick up my mother. Well, it was dark in that lounge...
Tori is a teenage girl studying drama, which is kinda like a Mexican taking Spanish.
I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
Sometimes my mother goes through my socks and underwear. I wouldn't mind, but it tickles so much!
People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"
People ask me how much I weigh. I tell them, 145 pounds, naked. That is, if that scale outside the drugstore is anything to go by.
I got pulled over by the cops because I was swerving a bit while trying to change the radio. It was a shame, 'cos I'd almost disconnected the old one.
I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a bladder por favor." The guy said "Is that to go?" I said, "Well what else would I want it for?"