Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 7

I got pulled over by the cops because I was swerving a bit while trying to change the radio. It was a shame, 'cos I'd almost disconnected the old one.

When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.

My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.

People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"

People ask me how much I weigh. I tell them, 145 pounds, naked. That is, if that scale outside the drugstore is anything to go by.

I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.

I love my family. I came home the other days. My brother's passed-out on the couch, holding an empty bottle of sleeping pills. So I called the paramedics, and they pumped his stomach, and I think he's learned his lesson: you know, never to take my last two sleeping pills.

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.

I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.

I'm not a fatalist. But even if I were, what could I do about it?

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

If you’re worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn’t get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.

I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don’t know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.

For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.