Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 8
I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don’t know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.
I was at the airport trying to pick up my mother. Well, it was dark in that lounge...
I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.
Race is still somewhat of a taboo in comedy. But if you’re a minority, then you can make fun of your own minority. And that’s a nice service that many of them provide.
Sometimes my mother goes through my socks and underwear. I wouldn't mind, but it tickles so much!
I was walking through the park... plucking out nose hairs. Oh, those sleeping winos hate that.
Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns he state into a gay dungeon-master.
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.'
Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?