Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 8

I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don’t know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.

My nephew said, "Uncle Emo, are you giving me a puppy for Christmas?" I said, "Now, now! You've been shaking the box, haven't you?"

For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.

I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

I was walking through the park... plucking out nose hairs. Oh, those sleeping winos hate that.

I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.

Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns he state into a gay dungeon-master.

I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.

I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.

Race is still somewhat of a taboo in comedy. But if you’re a minority, then you can make fun of your own minority. And that’s a nice service that many of them provide.

You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.'

Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.