Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 8

I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a bladder por favor." The guy said "Is that to go?" I said, "Well what else would I want it for?"

For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.

Well, my brother says "hello"! So, hooray for speech therapy.

I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

I was walking through the park... plucking out nose hairs. Oh, those sleeping winos hate that.

Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns he state into a gay dungeon-master.

I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.

I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.

I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.

Race is still somewhat of a taboo in comedy. But if you’re a minority, then you can make fun of your own minority. And that’s a nice service that many of them provide.

You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.'

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.