Quotes & Jokes by Fred Allen / page 3
Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.
I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.
During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.
My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.
You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.
I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.
Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.
A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 am and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 pm to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished even before lunch.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference.
He writes so well he makes me feel like putting the quill back in the goose.