Quotes & Jokes by Fred Allen / page 3

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

What's on your mind? If you'll forgive the overstatement.

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.

During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.

It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals.

My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.

The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference.

Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut.

I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.

The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.

You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.