Quotes & Jokes by Fred Allen / page 3

An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.

Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.

What's on your mind? If you'll forgive the overstatement.

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.

Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut.

A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.

I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals.

During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.

He writes so well he makes me feel like putting the quill back in the goose.

All that the comedian has to show for his years of work and aggravation is the echo of forgotten laughter.