Quotes & Jokes by Fred Allen / page 3
Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.
My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.
You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.
I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.
It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals.
The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.
During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.
A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 am and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 pm to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished even before lunch.