Quotes & Jokes by Garrison Keillor
Going to church no more makes you a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car.
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
There is almost no marital problem that can't be helped enormously by taking off your clothes.
People always are encouraging about a terrible loss, so that sometimes the loser would like to strangle them.
God writes a lot of comedy ... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.
A minister has to be able to read a clock. At noon, it's time to go home and turn up the pot roast and get the peas out of the freezer.
A girl in a bikini is like having a loaded pistol on your coffee table - There's nothing wrong with them, but it's hard to stop thinking about it.
I think the most un-American thing you can say is, 'You can't say that.'
I'm not busy... a woman with three children under the age of 10 wouldn't think my schedule looked so busy.
I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it.
When the country goes temporarily to the dogs, cats must learn to be circumspect, walk on fences, sleep in trees, and have faith that all this woofing is not the last word.
The funniest line in English is "Get it?" When you say that, everyone chortles.
Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.
Jokes are good for your health, they reduce stress, even ancient jokes like "She was only the stablemen's daughter, but all the horsemen knew her," even jokes as old as "Does this bus go to Duluth? No, this bus goes beep beep." Or the blind man who picked up a hammer and saw. They keep on pleasing us, year after year.