Quotes & Jokes by Gary Gulman / page 4

63 quotes

Is the word brunette used anywhere outside of porn anymore?

No, yea. You were ahead of me, until you went shopping… the best I can offer you is back cutsies, and that’s incredibly generous.

Don't go back over your life with a red pen.

Would it be ironic if we had to go back to Iraq to rid it of the Al Quaeda that wasn't there before we got there to rid it of Al Queda?

Why shouldn't we air grievances at funerals?

In all seriousness, do rappers really speak to the women in their life like that?

I really think I'm at the top of my game right now, and I have the tools that I've learned over the years, so I feel really good about what I'm doing onstage now.

Just saw an orthodox Jewish kid do 3 pull-ups on the scaffolding. Shattering the previous record.

Some people hate Jews. Fine, alright it's been done. I mean, that's part of my problem with it. Could you hate somebody new? I'm not giving you any suggestions but the Belgians have had a good run.

Rich people are just like us though they now eat their meals off square shaped plates.

If you are 26 years old and you’re waking up under Star Wars sheets… the Force is not with you.

We invented Saturdays off. Enjoy, you're welcome.

I think everything contributes to your creativity.

It was early on when I was really focused and obsessed with doing The Tonight Show and Letterman and stuff like that. Then, I quickly realized that those things don’t make or break a career.

I really shine in front of prominently Jewish crowds. Normally I really beat myself up, but as far as Jewish audiences go, I’m at the top of my game.