Quotes & Jokes by Gary Gulman / page 4

I have 236 movies on my queue and I feel like I should always be watching movies. Like if I wake up in the middle of the night and don't fall directly back to sleep, I'm like, 'I've been up for an hour and a half I could have watched 'Toy Story 3' by now.' In this economy it is a sin not to be watching movies when you have Netflix.

Is the word brunette used anywhere outside of porn anymore?

Don't go back over your life with a red pen.

Why shouldn't we air grievances at funerals?

Would it be ironic if we had to go back to Iraq to rid it of the Al Quaeda that wasn't there before we got there to rid it of Al Queda?

Just saw an orthodox Jewish kid do 3 pull-ups on the scaffolding. Shattering the previous record.

In all seriousness, do rappers really speak to the women in their life like that?

I really think I'm at the top of my game right now, and I have the tools that I've learned over the years, so I feel really good about what I'm doing onstage now.

Some people hate Jews. Fine, alright it's been done. I mean, that's part of my problem with it. Could you hate somebody new? I'm not giving you any suggestions but the Belgians have had a good run.

If you are 26 years old and you’re waking up under Star Wars sheets… the Force is not with you.

Rich people are just like us though they now eat their meals off square shaped plates.

We invented Saturdays off. Enjoy, you're welcome.

I think everything contributes to your creativity.

I really shine in front of prominently Jewish crowds. Normally I really beat myself up, but as far as Jewish audiences go, I’m at the top of my game.

It was early on when I was really focused and obsessed with doing The Tonight Show and Letterman and stuff like that. Then, I quickly realized that those things don’t make or break a career.