Quotes & Jokes by Gary Gulman / page 3
Nobody ever celebrates the "Why me?!" God blaming terminally ill. We should, if only for the contrast they provide.
The popcorn button on the microwave is a miraculous invention. More miraculous than even the microwave itself.
Maybe a silver lining to growing old is being able to watch Usual Suspects for the first time, again.
The pill, now that's a good invention, just for the fact that everybody here knows exactly which pill I'm talking about. I gave you "the" and a very vague noun and everybody's onboard!
I do jokes about the specific guys in the steroids scandal. I feel bad for the guys who did steroids and still suck.
I’ve always wanted to do more significant stuff. I think of myself as well-informed, but the hardest thing to do is talk about politics and current events and be funny and not just preachy.
Is it common for people to become a pothead at 40? Asking for myself.
The definition of the word "nerd" has changed. It's now any attractive person with a hobby. The loneliness component is no longer included.
If you try to pop the unpopped kernels in the microwave, you go back in time.
There are certain jokes that indicate how mainstream a comic is. If you’re talking about how the side effects of drugs that they advertise on TV are worse than the actual illness they’re supposed to prevent, that’s like the hackiest joke out there now. If you’re still doing that joke, that usually is an indicator of being mainstream, in a bad way.
I just always wonder if I’m too obsessive about subjects. I try to avoid that.
I have 236 movies on my queue and I feel like I should always be watching movies. Like if I wake up in the middle of the night and don't fall directly back to sleep, I'm like, 'I've been up for an hour and a half I could have watched 'Toy Story 3' by now.' In this economy it is a sin not to be watching movies when you have Netflix.
It’s a real valley when I talk about veal. And calf roping. People were sensitive about calf roping. Which I think is quite funny.