Quotes & Jokes by Gary Gulman / page 4

As a child I most closely identified with Charlie Browns teacher. Nobody listened.

Don't go back over your life with a red pen.

Why shouldn't we air grievances at funerals?

No, yea. You were ahead of me, until you went shopping… the best I can offer you is back cutsies, and that’s incredibly generous.

In all seriousness, do rappers really speak to the women in their life like that?

Just saw an orthodox Jewish kid do 3 pull-ups on the scaffolding. Shattering the previous record.

Some people hate Jews. Fine, alright it's been done. I mean, that's part of my problem with it. Could you hate somebody new? I'm not giving you any suggestions but the Belgians have had a good run.

I really think I'm at the top of my game right now, and I have the tools that I've learned over the years, so I feel really good about what I'm doing onstage now.

Would it be ironic if we had to go back to Iraq to rid it of the Al Quaeda that wasn't there before we got there to rid it of Al Queda?

Rich people are just like us though they now eat their meals off square shaped plates.

If you are 26 years old and you’re waking up under Star Wars sheets… the Force is not with you.

We invented Saturdays off. Enjoy, you're welcome.

I think everything contributes to your creativity.

I really shine in front of prominently Jewish crowds. Normally I really beat myself up, but as far as Jewish audiences go, I’m at the top of my game.

It was early on when I was really focused and obsessed with doing The Tonight Show and Letterman and stuff like that. Then, I quickly realized that those things don’t make or break a career.