Quotes & Jokes by George Burns / page 2

Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.

I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect.

It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.

Define your business goals clearly so that others can see them as you do.

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.

I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.

At my age, the only thing hot waiting for me in my dressing room is a bowl of soup.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

What actresses do today when they appear on the screen is what they did once upon a time for getting to appear on the screen.

I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.

How beautifully leaves grow old. How full of light and color are their last days.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.

Age to me means nothing. I can't get old; I'm working. I was old when I was twenty-one and out of work. As long as you're working, you stay young. When I'm in front of an audience, all that love and vitality sweeps over me and I forget my age.