Quotes & Jokes by George Burns / page 3
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.
Age to me means nothing. I can't get old; I'm working. I was old when I was twenty-one and out of work. As long as you're working, you stay young. When I'm in front of an audience, all that love and vitality sweeps over me and I forget my age.
There is nothing wrong with making love with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed.
I drink coffee with my right hand, and I smoke with my left. But I talk with both hands.
I look better, feel better, make love better and I'll tell you something else... I never lied better.
People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my 87 birthday. I tell them a paternity suit.
Everyday happiness means getting up in the morning, and you can't wait to finish your breakfast. You can't wait to do your exercises. You can't wait to put on your clothes. You can't wait to get out - and you can't wait to come home, because the soup is hot.
At home we ate fish every Friday, as Catholics were then supposed to do. Being Jewish, I compromised. I wore a hat when I ate fish, out of respect for my own religion and the fish's family.
I like women to be attracted to me. See, when you get 60 years old, and they know you're 60, the only women you can get are 55-year-old women, and I like younger women.
I did go to school - my kind of school. When I was a kid I went out ... and you meet people. You talk to them. Anybody says something that makes sense, it stays with you, rubs off on you. That kind of school.