Quotes & Jokes by George Burns / page 7

This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

Dress simply. If you wear a dinner jacket, don't wear anything else on it... like lunch or dinner.

Grief and tragedy and hatred are only for a time. Goodness, remembrance and love have no end.

For thirty years my act consisted of one joke... and then she died.

Be sure to wear a good cologne, a nice aftershave lotion, and a strong underarm deodorant. And it might be a good idea to wear some clothes, too.

If I paid $3 or $4 for a cigar, first I'd sleep with it.

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.

Nudity has taken over all of show business. I went into a nightclub last week and a beautiful young girl came out onto the stage with nothing on and sang "On a clear day you can see forever."

When we played the back end of a horse we always knew that if we worked hard and did a good job we could become the front end.

Our record doesn't show it, but we are getting better.

Being an actor is easy, just picture someone in a room and you outside waiting for your cue to go in. Elliot Gould's been trying that for forty years.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house.

Retire? I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the only one left.

There will always be a battle between the sexes because men and women want different things. Men want women and women want men.