Quotes & Jokes by George Burns / page 6

People are always asking me when I'm going to retire. Why should I? I've got it two ways - I'm still making movies, and I'm a senior citizen, so I can see myself at half price.

I get a standing ovation just standing.

I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.

I thought to myself, 'why not write a bestseller?' In the first place, more people buy them and more people read them. You make more money and it doesn’t take any more time to write a bestseller than it does to write a book nobody buys.

We had asked Jack Benny to give the bride away, but Jack said he never gave anything away.

Well, anybody can be a straight man if he hears well. You just have to wait for laughs. A straight man just repeats the questions and the comedian gets the laughs and you just wait for them and don't let them die completely at the tail end of the laugh.

There are many ways to die in bed, but the best way is not alone.

I lie a lot, but when I write about Gracie, I don't have to lie. The truth is unbelievable enough.

When you stop giving and offering something to the rest of the world, it's time to turn out the lights.

Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

I was married by a judge - I should have asked for a jury.

This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.

Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.

A young mind in a healthy body is a wonderful thing. Especially for an old man with an open night.