Quotes & Jokes by George Burns / page 6

There are many ways to die in bed, but the best way is not alone.

This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.

A young mind in a healthy body is a wonderful thing. Especially for an old man with an open night.

I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.

I thought to myself, 'why not write a bestseller?' In the first place, more people buy them and more people read them. You make more money and it doesn’t take any more time to write a bestseller than it does to write a book nobody buys.

Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.

Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.

I was married by a judge - I should have asked for a jury.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

If you stay in the business long enough and get to be old enough, you get to be new again.

When you stop giving and offering something to the rest of the world, it's time to turn out the lights.

In what other business can a guy my age drink martinis, smoke cigars and sing? I think all people who retire ought to go into show business. I've been retired all my life.

We had asked Jack Benny to give the bride away, but Jack said he never gave anything away.

Dress simply. If you wear a dinner jacket, don't wear anything else on it... like lunch or dinner.