Quotes & Jokes by George Burns / page 6
When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.
I thought to myself, 'why not write a bestseller?' In the first place, more people buy them and more people read them. You make more money and it doesn’t take any more time to write a bestseller than it does to write a book nobody buys.
Well, anybody can be a straight man if he hears well. You just have to wait for laughs. A straight man just repeats the questions and the comedian gets the laughs and you just wait for them and don't let them die completely at the tail end of the laugh.
A young mind in a healthy body is a wonderful thing. Especially for an old man with an open night.
Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.
Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.
When you stop giving and offering something to the rest of the world, it's time to turn out the lights.
If you stay in the business long enough and get to be old enough, you get to be new again.
Dress simply. If you wear a dinner jacket, don't wear anything else on it... like lunch or dinner.
In what other business can a guy my age drink martinis, smoke cigars and sing? I think all people who retire ought to go into show business. I've been retired all my life.