Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 35

The status quo sucks.

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

There are three kinds of people. Those who can count, and those who cannot.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

You can say prick on television. If it happens to your finger it’s alright. You can prick your finger, just don’t finger your prick.

Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are woman that you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place?

“No comment” is a comment.

“Meow” means “woof” in cat.

There’s a lot of little phrases in the language that don’t say what they mean. Take a shit is one. You don’t take a shit, you leave a shit. That’s the whole idea! To leave it!