Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 34

The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.

If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

What exactly is "midair"? Is there some other part of air besides the "mid" part?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

What year did Jesus think it was?

Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself.

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore.

I say live and let live. That’s my motto. Live and let live. Anyone who can’t go along with that, take them outside and shoot the motherfucker.