Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 34

People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.

Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

What year did Jesus think it was?

I have this real moron thing I do? It's called thinking.

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.

If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

What exactly is "midair"? Is there some other part of air besides the "mid" part?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

I say live and let live. That’s my motto. Live and let live. Anyone who can’t go along with that, take them outside and shoot the motherfucker.