Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 4

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.

Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the world upside down.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

I have nothing against the planet per se. I root for the big comet or asteroid as a way of cleansing the planet. The comet or asteroid 65 million years ago is probably what gave us our opening to replace the reptiles.

A guy say to me "are you gay?" and I say "bend over and let's find out".

Sometimes a little brain damage can help.

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

When I first heard the song "Don’t worry - be happy" I realized it was exactly the kind of mindless philosophy that Americans would respond to. It would make a great national anthem along with "Me first".

Baseball is the only major sport that appears backward in a mirror.

If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea... does that mean that 1 enjoys it?

I’m a visionary; I’m ahead of my time. Trouble is, I’m only about an hour and a half ahead.

Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: it attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.