Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 4
Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.
You know the best thing about necrophilia? You don't have to bring flowers. Yeah... Usually, they're already there.
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
A guy say to me "are you gay?" and I say "bend over and let's find out".
What a curse it must be being a bisexual. Can you imagine wanting to fuck everybody you meet?!
When I first heard the song "Don’t worry - be happy" I realized it was exactly the kind of mindless philosophy that Americans would respond to. It would make a great national anthem along with "Me first".
Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the world upside down.
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
Baseball is the only major sport that appears backward in a mirror.
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.