Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 4
Religion is like a pair of shoes... Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.
Children are not our future, and I can prove it with my usual, flawless logic. Children can't be our future, because by the time the future arrives, they won't be children anymore, so blow me!
Baseball is the only major sport that appears backward in a mirror.
People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the world upside down.
When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person.
If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea... does that mean that 1 enjoys it?
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Pride should be reserved for something you achieve or obtain on your own, not something that happens by accident of birth. Being Irish isn't a skill... it's a fucking genetic accident. You wouldn't say I'm proud to be 5'11"; I'm proud to have a pre-disposition for colon cancer.
Reminds me of something my grandfather would say. He'd say, "I'm going upstairs to fuck your grandmother." He was an honest man, and he wasn't going to bullshit a four-year-old.
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
A guy say to me "are you gay?" and I say "bend over and let's find out".