Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 4
Religion is like a pair of shoes... Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.
Baseball is the only major sport that appears backward in a mirror.
Children are not our future, and I can prove it with my usual, flawless logic. Children can't be our future, because by the time the future arrives, they won't be children anymore, so blow me!
People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the world upside down.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea... does that mean that 1 enjoys it?
When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person.
Pride should be reserved for something you achieve or obtain on your own, not something that happens by accident of birth. Being Irish isn't a skill... it's a fucking genetic accident. You wouldn't say I'm proud to be 5'11"; I'm proud to have a pre-disposition for colon cancer.
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
Reminds me of something my grandfather would say. He'd say, "I'm going upstairs to fuck your grandmother." He was an honest man, and he wasn't going to bullshit a four-year-old.
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.