Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 4
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
You know the best thing about necrophilia? You don't have to bring flowers. Yeah... Usually, they're already there.
I’m a visionary; I’m ahead of my time. Trouble is, I’m only about an hour and a half ahead.
Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the world upside down.
A guy say to me "are you gay?" and I say "bend over and let's find out".
When I first heard the song "Don’t worry - be happy" I realized it was exactly the kind of mindless philosophy that Americans would respond to. It would make a great national anthem along with "Me first".
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea... does that mean that 1 enjoys it?
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
What a curse it must be being a bisexual. Can you imagine wanting to fuck everybody you meet?!