Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 4
There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and words.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the world upside down.
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.
Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: it attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.
Baseball is the only major sport that appears backward in a mirror.
I have nothing against the planet per se. I root for the big comet or asteroid as a way of cleansing the planet. The comet or asteroid 65 million years ago is probably what gave us our opening to replace the reptiles.
A guy say to me "are you gay?" and I say "bend over and let's find out".
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
"One thing leads to another"? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.