Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 4
You know the best thing about necrophilia? You don't have to bring flowers. Yeah... Usually, they're already there.
I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the world upside down.
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
I have nothing against the planet per se. I root for the big comet or asteroid as a way of cleansing the planet. The comet or asteroid 65 million years ago is probably what gave us our opening to replace the reptiles.
A guy say to me "are you gay?" and I say "bend over and let's find out".
I’m a visionary; I’m ahead of my time. Trouble is, I’m only about an hour and a half ahead.
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
When I first heard the song "Don’t worry - be happy" I realized it was exactly the kind of mindless philosophy that Americans would respond to. It would make a great national anthem along with "Me first".
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea... does that mean that 1 enjoys it?
Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: it attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.