Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 5
If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game. Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: it attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.
When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person.
Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from the asshole.
I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread.
Reminds me of something my grandfather would say. He'd say, "I'm going upstairs to fuck your grandmother." He was an honest man, and he wasn't going to bullshit a four-year-old.
Put two things together which have never been put together before, and some schmuck will buy it.
A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?
You have to be realistic about terrorism. Certain groups of people, certain groups, Muslim fundamentalists, Christian fundamentalists, Jewish fundamentalists, and just plain guys from Montana, are going to continue to make life in this country very interesting for a long, long time.