Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 5
If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person.
Reminds me of something my grandfather would say. He'd say, "I'm going upstairs to fuck your grandmother." He was an honest man, and he wasn't going to bullshit a four-year-old.
People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: it attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.
Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game. Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.
I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread.
How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?
"One thing leads to another"? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
You have to be realistic about terrorism. Certain groups of people, certain groups, Muslim fundamentalists, Christian fundamentalists, Jewish fundamentalists, and just plain guys from Montana, are going to continue to make life in this country very interesting for a long, long time.