Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 5
Reminds me of something my grandfather would say. He'd say, "I'm going upstairs to fuck your grandmother." He was an honest man, and he wasn't going to bullshit a four-year-old.
"One thing leads to another"? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
I’m a visionary; I’m ahead of my time. Trouble is, I’m only about an hour and a half ahead.
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread.
When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person.
Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game. Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.
People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
What a curse it must be being a bisexual. Can you imagine wanting to fuck everybody you meet?!
You have to be realistic about terrorism. Certain groups of people, certain groups, Muslim fundamentalists, Christian fundamentalists, Jewish fundamentalists, and just plain guys from Montana, are going to continue to make life in this country very interesting for a long, long time.
Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.