Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 5

Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.

"One thing leads to another"? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.

I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread.

Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game. Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

When I first heard the song "Don’t worry - be happy" I realized it was exactly the kind of mindless philosophy that Americans would respond to. It would make a great national anthem along with "Me first".

I have nothing against the planet per se. I root for the big comet or asteroid as a way of cleansing the planet. The comet or asteroid 65 million years ago is probably what gave us our opening to replace the reptiles.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

Pride should be reserved for something you achieve or obtain on your own, not something that happens by accident of birth. Being Irish isn't a skill... it's a fucking genetic accident. You wouldn't say I'm proud to be 5'11"; I'm proud to have a pre-disposition for colon cancer.

Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil’s workshop." And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s.

If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.

You can’t argue with a good blowjob.

You have to be realistic about terrorism. Certain groups of people, certain groups, Muslim fundamentalists, Christian fundamentalists, Jewish fundamentalists, and just plain guys from Montana, are going to continue to make life in this country very interesting for a long, long time.

Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”