Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 5
Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.
Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil’s workshop." And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s.
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
"One thing leads to another"? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”
Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game. Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.
I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread.
If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
You show me something that doesn't cause cancer, and I'll show you something that isn't on the market yet.
There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and words.
You have to be realistic about terrorism. Certain groups of people, certain groups, Muslim fundamentalists, Christian fundamentalists, Jewish fundamentalists, and just plain guys from Montana, are going to continue to make life in this country very interesting for a long, long time.