Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 5
Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game. Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
A guy say to me "are you gay?" and I say "bend over and let's find out".
Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”
"One thing leads to another"? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
Shopping and buying and getting and having comprise the Great American Addiction. No one is immune. When the underclass riots in this country they don’t kill policemen and politicians, they steal merchandise. How embarrassing.
You have to be realistic about terrorism. Certain groups of people, certain groups, Muslim fundamentalists, Christian fundamentalists, Jewish fundamentalists, and just plain guys from Montana, are going to continue to make life in this country very interesting for a long, long time.
You show me something that doesn't cause cancer, and I'll show you something that isn't on the market yet.
When I first heard the song "Don’t worry - be happy" I realized it was exactly the kind of mindless philosophy that Americans would respond to. It would make a great national anthem along with "Me first".