Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 5
When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person.
When I first heard the song "Don’t worry - be happy" I realized it was exactly the kind of mindless philosophy that Americans would respond to. It would make a great national anthem along with "Me first".
People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
Reminds me of something my grandfather would say. He'd say, "I'm going upstairs to fuck your grandmother." He was an honest man, and he wasn't going to bullshit a four-year-old.
If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game. Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.
I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread.
Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
I’m a visionary; I’m ahead of my time. Trouble is, I’m only about an hour and a half ahead.
Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil’s workshop." And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s.
Pride should be reserved for something you achieve or obtain on your own, not something that happens by accident of birth. Being Irish isn't a skill... it's a fucking genetic accident. You wouldn't say I'm proud to be 5'11"; I'm proud to have a pre-disposition for colon cancer.
You have to be realistic about terrorism. Certain groups of people, certain groups, Muslim fundamentalists, Christian fundamentalists, Jewish fundamentalists, and just plain guys from Montana, are going to continue to make life in this country very interesting for a long, long time.