Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 5

Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game. Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

Sometimes a little brain damage can help.

A guy say to me "are you gay?" and I say "bend over and let's find out".

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”

"One thing leads to another"? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.

If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.

I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread.

Shopping and buying and getting and having comprise the Great American Addiction. No one is immune. When the underclass riots in this country they don’t kill policemen and politicians, they steal merchandise. How embarrassing.

When I first heard the song "Don’t worry - be happy" I realized it was exactly the kind of mindless philosophy that Americans would respond to. It would make a great national anthem along with "Me first".

You can’t argue with a good blowjob.

You show me something that doesn't cause cancer, and I'll show you something that isn't on the market yet.