Quotes & Jokes by George Lopez / page 3

I believe that there are certain things that could be taken care of that you don't need a strong political background in.

We have 93 million households, and we’re in a beautiful position at 11 o’clock. There’s an audience out there that’s underserved. In the continuing diversity of the country, and as people become more familiar with you, you realize it’s not your father’s country anymore.

Y'know, if those pews reclined and the priests gave the Raiders scores, I'd go to church every Sunday.

Presents? We already bought you a lot of things. Member when we were at the market and I bought you gum? You'member.

We didn’t have a ‘baby-proof’ house. Sometimes a 2-year-old with a hammer woke your ass up from a nap!

We speak English and Spanish at the same time. “Ay, que cute.”

I am going to bring a more eclectic group of actors and a more eclectic group of musicians from Mana to Santana to Slash and Garth Brooks. I know some pretty high-profile people in Hollywood, in music and in comedy. They all seem to be supportive of the idea.

And while we’re at it Sheriff Joe in Arizona, fuck you you fucking puto. How about that? Fuck you. You fat motherfucker. Fuck you. I said I was gonna talk some shit. Fuck you Sheriff Joe, you fucking puto. Fuck you. Fuck you.

What they have at Chuckie Cheese that we dont have at our house, you wanna see a mouse... stand there... pull the refrigerator out the wall.

I think we all feel the same things most of the time, we just don't know how to put it into words. When I'm on stage, I say it. The truth makes people laugh.

I didn't want to be nobody, and that was the only way I could be somebody was to do stand-up.

It's good to see people not smoking. You get dressed up, and you smoke, and it gets in your clothes. You go, ‘What should I wear tonight?’ ‘I don't know, honey, how about something menthol?’

Just yesterday, you were my little girl on a tricycle. Now, you are a young woman in a car, running over a little girl on a tricycle.

If you make waffles, throw out the first one.

I actually graze at several of the homes while I'm playing. There a lot of food going on. I drink and eat and use the restrooms in a lot of the houses. What better way to really get closer to the fans than to steal their soap from the restrooms as they allow you to enter their homes?