Quotes & Jokes by George Lopez / page 3

One time, I was so hungry, I ate the beans in a bean bag chair.

When I was 10 there wasnt trampolines and cartoon charaters, I never went to Chuck E Cheese! My mom said ' you wanna see a mouse pull the refrigerator Out!

Presents? We already bought you a lot of things. Member when we were at the market and I bought you gum? You'member.

We didn’t have a ‘baby-proof’ house. Sometimes a 2-year-old with a hammer woke your ass up from a nap!

I think we all feel the same things most of the time, we just don't know how to put it into words. When I'm on stage, I say it. The truth makes people laugh.

What they have at Chuckie Cheese that we dont have at our house, you wanna see a mouse... stand there... pull the refrigerator out the wall.

And while we’re at it Sheriff Joe in Arizona, fuck you you fucking puto. How about that? Fuck you. You fat motherfucker. Fuck you. I said I was gonna talk some shit. Fuck you Sheriff Joe, you fucking puto. Fuck you. Fuck you.

We have 93 million households, and we’re in a beautiful position at 11 o’clock. There’s an audience out there that’s underserved. In the continuing diversity of the country, and as people become more familiar with you, you realize it’s not your father’s country anymore.

It's good to see people not smoking. You get dressed up, and you smoke, and it gets in your clothes. You go, ‘What should I wear tonight?’ ‘I don't know, honey, how about something menthol?’

I am going to bring a more eclectic group of actors and a more eclectic group of musicians from Mana to Santana to Slash and Garth Brooks. I know some pretty high-profile people in Hollywood, in music and in comedy. They all seem to be supportive of the idea.

Just yesterday, you were my little girl on a tricycle. Now, you are a young woman in a car, running over a little girl on a tricycle.

We speak English and Spanish at the same time. “Ay, que cute.”

If you make waffles, throw out the first one.

I want to tell you about a woman I have been married to for ten years, my wife, Ann, who speaking truthfully, saved me from myself. Who saved me from destroying myself because of my background. Who saved me from wasting my life, drinking my life away, never fulfilling my dreams because of what I had come from, and truly believing and loving - truly the first person to ever truthfully, unconditionally love me.

I didn't want to be nobody, and that was the only way I could be somebody was to do stand-up.