Quotes & Jokes by Greg Behrendt / page 2

The pain of being in a bad relationship is confusing. When it’s over - it’s over. No more confusion!

I’m anal and forgetful. That’s a bad combo. That mean I like my shit where I like it and I don’t know where the fuck it is. But I’m pretty sure it’s your fault.

I think that God is disappointed in anal sex. I think he thinks to himself, “It’s just that I worked so hard on the vagina. I thought you guys would go crazy for it… It’s like the lobby of a great hotel. There’s carpeting and drapes and it’s warm. It’s an entry way and a exit way for babies, the greatest thing there is. And all you freaks want to do is to come in the back by the dumpster. I don’t get it!”

Drinking, eating, shopping, revenge, rebound sex, drugs or whatever your poison may be will number the pain - but that's all.

People are inspired to do remarkable things to find and be with the one they love.

Often the thought of pain is actually worse that the pain itself.

If my father is walking around going, 'Mmm, pussy,' he's thinking about eating the cat.

I mean, every audience for me is different. It's like jazz; you have to feel them out at the beginning and see what they're up to and see what their resistance is and their strengths are and then you just sort of go towards that.

We're taught that in life, we should try to look on the bright side. Not in this case. In this case, assume rejection first. Assume you're the rule, not the exception. It's liberating. But we also know it's not an easy concept.

I have less friends, but I have more Cadbury Eggs.

There`s nothing wrong with sending a quick note if you`re busy or just want to flirt, but it`s hard to have any real interaction over text. In the buffet of communication, text messaging should be a side dish, not the entree.

A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the woman he loves.

Men, for the most part, like to pursue women. We like not knowing if we can catch you. We feel rewarded when we do. Especially when the chase is a long one.

People say get a job doing something you love. So far no one has offered to hire me to eat Whoppers with a switchblade.

I believe in love in hindsight, meaning attraction and connection can be remembered as love at first sight. But how could you possibly know at first sight? That's too much pressure to put on a relationship.