Quotes & Jokes by Greg Behrendt / page 3
He’s just not that into you if he only wants to see you when he’s drunk. If he likes you, he’ll want to see you when his judgment isn’t impaired.
People don't admire you for what you hate, they admire you for what you do about it, and your slacks.
Men would rather lose an arm out a city bus window than tell you simply, “You’re not the one.” We are quite sure you will kill us or yourself or both - or even worse, cry and yell at us.
I love to eat. That's why I got so fat; I love to eat. If I don't walk away from a meal hurting, I didn't do it right. If I don't walk away from Thanksgiving dinner feeling like I've been turkey-fucked in a gingerbread prison, I didn't do it right.
I'm just saying, tonight, if you're going through a breakup and you're drinking, don't call. Just don't do it. Don't call. Because here's the thing: booze has information in it!
For me, a breakup changed my entire life. I was a mess. I really got rocked, and I ended up turning it into a positive thing.
It`s your version of whatever that is. We use those words because they are kind of empowering. Try to get back into your life and get back on track with dreams you have. There`s nothing more attractive than a person who likes herself.
He doesn’t have to love your CD collection. He doesn’t have to love your shoes. But any good, mature guy better make an attempt to love your friends and family - especially when they’re great.
When a guy is into you, he lets you know it. He calls, he shows up, he wants to meet your friends, he can’t keep his eyes or hands off of you.
I'm just not interested in daytime television, which is something you should remember the next time somebody offers you a daytime talk show.
There are three kinda men in the world. There's men that own rope, men that use eye creme, and that dude from Nickleback.
How many presidents, do you think, ever said to another guy: ‘I can’t believe we’re doing this in the White House’?
I just told someone they had a "manly-ass jacket." I may have to give up speaking as my primary form of communication.
Cheating gets easier every time it's done. It's only hard the first time, when one feels the sting of morality and the guilt of betraying someone's trust.