Quotes & Jokes by Greg Behrendt / page 3
He’s just not that into you if he only wants to see you when he’s drunk. If he likes you, he’ll want to see you when his judgment isn’t impaired.
How many presidents, do you think, ever said to another guy: ‘I can’t believe we’re doing this in the White House’?
For me, a breakup changed my entire life. I was a mess. I really got rocked, and I ended up turning it into a positive thing.
I'm just not interested in daytime television, which is something you should remember the next time somebody offers you a daytime talk show.
I love to eat. That's why I got so fat; I love to eat. If I don't walk away from a meal hurting, I didn't do it right. If I don't walk away from Thanksgiving dinner feeling like I've been turkey-fucked in a gingerbread prison, I didn't do it right.
People don't admire you for what you hate, they admire you for what you do about it, and your slacks.
He doesn’t have to love your CD collection. He doesn’t have to love your shoes. But any good, mature guy better make an attempt to love your friends and family - especially when they’re great.
I'm just saying, tonight, if you're going through a breakup and you're drinking, don't call. Just don't do it. Don't call. Because here's the thing: booze has information in it!
Men would rather lose an arm out a city bus window than tell you simply, “You’re not the one.” We are quite sure you will kill us or yourself or both - or even worse, cry and yell at us.
It`s your version of whatever that is. We use those words because they are kind of empowering. Try to get back into your life and get back on track with dreams you have. There`s nothing more attractive than a person who likes herself.
Cheating gets easier every time it's done. It's only hard the first time, when one feels the sting of morality and the guilt of betraying someone's trust.
Here's something else to think about: calling when you say you're going to is the very first brick in the house you are building of love and trust. If he can't lay this one stupid brick down, you ain't never gonna have a house baby, and it's cold outside.
It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that have to announce that I ate kale and liked it.
When a guy is into you, he lets you know it. He calls, he shows up, he wants to meet your friends, he can’t keep his eyes or hands off of you.