Quotes & Jokes by Greg Behrendt / page 3
How many presidents, do you think, ever said to another guy: ‘I can’t believe we’re doing this in the White House’?
People say get a job doing something you love. So far no one has offered to hire me to eat Whoppers with a switchblade.
For me, a breakup changed my entire life. I was a mess. I really got rocked, and I ended up turning it into a positive thing.
I'm just not interested in daytime television, which is something you should remember the next time somebody offers you a daytime talk show.
It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that have to announce that I ate kale and liked it.
I love to eat. That's why I got so fat; I love to eat. If I don't walk away from a meal hurting, I didn't do it right. If I don't walk away from Thanksgiving dinner feeling like I've been turkey-fucked in a gingerbread prison, I didn't do it right.
He doesn’t have to love your CD collection. He doesn’t have to love your shoes. But any good, mature guy better make an attempt to love your friends and family - especially when they’re great.
People don't admire you for what you hate, they admire you for what you do about it, and your slacks.
I'm just saying, tonight, if you're going through a breakup and you're drinking, don't call. Just don't do it. Don't call. Because here's the thing: booze has information in it!
Part of me also knows that this generation is the least racist and most pro-gay, so that’s great. But they have a real lack of gravitas. And they have no taste in music. Vampire Weekend? Can we play some music, please? Can we rock out for a minute? Where’s your Metallica?
Cheating gets easier every time it's done. It's only hard the first time, when one feels the sting of morality and the guilt of betraying someone's trust.
Men would rather lose an arm out a city bus window than tell you simply, “You’re not the one.” We are quite sure you will kill us or yourself or both - or even worse, cry and yell at us.
It`s your version of whatever that is. We use those words because they are kind of empowering. Try to get back into your life and get back on track with dreams you have. There`s nothing more attractive than a person who likes herself.
Here's something else to think about: calling when you say you're going to is the very first brick in the house you are building of love and trust. If he can't lay this one stupid brick down, you ain't never gonna have a house baby, and it's cold outside.