Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 15

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.

Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?

Take my wife… please!

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?

A man says to another man, 'Can you tell me how to get to Central Park?' The guy says no. 'All right,' says the first, 'I'll mug you here.'

His motto is "Love thy neighbour". His neighbour is an 18 year old hooker.

What's the latest dope on Wall Street? My son!

I've kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed.

Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.

This man dresses like an unmade bed.

A bum told me, “I haven’t tasted food all week.” I told him, “Don’t worry, it still tastes the same.”

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"

A car hits a Jewish man. The paramedic rushes over and says, “Are you comfortable?” The guys says, “I make a good living.”