Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 14

Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

Another bum told me "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"

A bum asked me "Give me $10 till payday." I asked "When's payday?" He said "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"

I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

A man says to another man, 'Can you tell me how to get to Central Park?' The guy says no. 'All right,' says the first, 'I'll mug you here.'

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

I know a guy who had his doctor say "take some weight off, go to a health club." This man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.