Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 14

A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!

A bum asked me "Give me $10 till payday." I asked "When's payday?" He said "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

My wife told me the car wasn't running well. There was water in the carburettor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.

I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.

The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.

Another bum told me "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"

I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.