Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 14

He was born on April 2. A day late.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.

Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.

A man goes to a barbershop and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Five." The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Four." The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Six." The man leaves, and the barber says to another, "Follow that man!" The man comes back and says, "He goes to your house!"

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"

I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.

She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her, she says "Tut, Tut!"

I know a guy who had his doctor say "take some weight off, go to a health club." This man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

I asked a Jewish man "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said "Yes", and walked away.

If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.