Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 14

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

A bum asked me "Give me $10 till payday." I asked "When's payday?" He said "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"

Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.

The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her, she says "Tut, Tut!"

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"

I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.

I know a guy who had his doctor say "take some weight off, go to a health club." This man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

I asked a Jewish man "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said "Yes", and walked away.

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?