Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 14

A bum asked me "Give me $10 till payday." I asked "When's payday?" He said "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"

A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The woman opens the door. "Where do you want these blinds, lady?"

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"

Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.

The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

Another bum told me "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"

I know a guy who had his doctor say "take some weight off, go to a health club." This man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

A man says to another man, 'Can you tell me how to get to Central Park?' The guy says no. 'All right,' says the first, 'I'll mug you here.'