Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 3

228 quotes

I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.

All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle-baby.

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says "You're crazy" The man says "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

Look at him, sex takes a holiday!

Dancing on pointe... Why don't they just get taller girls?

My hotel room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

My wife has a black belt in shopping.

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Doctor says to a man "You're pregnant!" The man says "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says "The usual way, a little wine, a little dinner..."

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."