Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 4

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says "You're crazy" The man says "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

My wife has a black belt in shopping.

In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, "We want Youngman! We want Youngman!" The coach says, "Youngman - go see what they want!"

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Doctor says to a man "You're pregnant!" The man says "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says "The usual way, a little wine, a little dinner..."

In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!"

Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears. "Don't answer!"

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I wont be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, "Here's your husband!" The man's wife says, "Where's his wheelchair?"

Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!