Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 4

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

He's an agent now. He must know talent. He gave up acting.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears. "Don't answer!"

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I wont be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

A doctor says to a man "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"

Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!

I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10% Sex, 90% guilt.

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."