Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 4

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, "We want Youngman! We want Youngman!" The coach says, "Youngman - go see what they want!"

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

Doctor says to a man "You're pregnant!" The man says "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says "The usual way, a little wine, a little dinner..."

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears. "Don't answer!"

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"

In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!"

Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I wont be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.