Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 4

Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears. "Don't answer!"

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single…"

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I wont be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

He's an agent now. He must know talent. He gave up acting.

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"

A doctor says to a man "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10% Sex, 90% guilt.

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."

A polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.