Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 4

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, "We want Youngman! We want Youngman!" The coach says, "Youngman - go see what they want!"

Doctor says to a man "You're pregnant!" The man says "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says "The usual way, a little wine, a little dinner..."

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears. "Don't answer!"

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I wont be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."

In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!"