Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 4

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, "We want Youngman! We want Youngman!" The coach says, "Youngman - go see what they want!"

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

Doctor says to a man "You're pregnant!" The man says "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says "The usual way, a little wine, a little dinner..."

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears. "Don't answer!"

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"

In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!"

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!