Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 4

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single…"

He's an agent now. He must know talent. He gave up acting.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears. "Don't answer!"

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I wont be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."

A doctor says to a man "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10% Sex, 90% guilt.

Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!