Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 4

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says "You're crazy" The man says "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, "We want Youngman! We want Youngman!" The coach says, "Youngman - go see what they want!"

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"

Doctor says to a man "You're pregnant!" The man says "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says "The usual way, a little wine, a little dinner..."

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!"

Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears. "Don't answer!"

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I wont be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!"

Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.