Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 4

He's an agent now. He must know talent. He gave up acting.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears. "Don't answer!"

A doctor says to a man "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10% Sex, 90% guilt.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I wont be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"

In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!"