Quotes & Jokes by Janeane Garofalo / page 7

The reason a person is a republican is because something is wrong with them. Again, that's science - that's neuroscience. You cannot be well adjusted, open-minded, pluralistic, enlightened and be a republican.

You know George W. Bush is a war-time president, he says – proudly. Guess what. War is failure! When you are at war, you have failed! When you have gone to a war of choice and lied about it, you're a double-triple, triple-quadruple failure! Or a warlord. It's called a warlord in other countries. A war time president here. One man's ceiling I guess is another man's floor. George Bush is a warlord. He's a failure!

I can do most anything and not have a problem with it. The only time I have negative attention is when I run naked through the streets brandishing a handgun.

The notebook. Yes, as you know Garofalo's a little forgetful. Has to bring her notebook. Between the Nutrasweet and the Fen-phen, I don't know whether to shit or wind my watch at this point. I gotta have a thing happening here because I don't wanna forget what I wanna discuss with you. I owe you that much.

I would have to say loneliness is next to uncleanliness.

If you don't do any self-examinations or see a doctor ever, you'll live forever. That's how you do it. The diagnosis is what gets you. You just have a don't ask, don't tell policy with any and all bodily functions.

Here's what the right-wing has in, there's no shortage of the natural resources of ignorance, apathy, hate, fear. As long as those things are in the collective conscious and unconscious, the Republicans will have some votes.

I'm not religious anymore, but I think it's like papal infallibility, which is a ridiculous man-made tenet, like what I believe most religious tenets to be, are man-made after the fact.

I'm sorry for being me. I won't ever do it again.

The world would be better off with multiple superpowers. When Communist USSR was a superpower, the world was better off.

People think that you are a nasty, selfish person if you don't want to have children.

Also, as I've gotten older and more mature, I've become much more comfortable in my own skin. After 25 years of doing stand-up, that's reflected onstage.

Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.

There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.

I say at this point, for different reasons, Bush and Hussein are both very threatening to world peace and to deny that is to be incredibly naive.