Quotes & Jokes by Jay Leno / page 10

An intruder broke into Mike Tyson's hotel room in Las Vegas while he was sleeping but got out before Tyson could get to him. I don't know what's scarier. Having someone breaking into your room while you're sleeping or breaking into someone else's room and finding out the guy is Mike Tyson.

A Libyan rebel has admitted to killing Moammar Gadhafi. He said he shot Gadhafi twice in the temple, to which Michele Bachmann said, "I didn't even know the guy was Jewish."

An Israeli man's life was saved when he was given a Palestinian man's heart in a heart transplant operation. The guy is doing fine, but the bad news is, he can't stop throwing rocks at himself.

Whitney Houston rear-ended a city bus with her sports car, but no one was hurt. She said she didn't know what happened. One minute she was concentrating on the big white line, and the next, boom!

Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!

There are now more obese people in the United States than there are overweight people. I think it's safe to say that after all these years, Diet Coke is a complete failure.

People don't mind if you have a lot of money if they know you're working for it.

My stockbroker asked me something important today: paper or plastic?

Michele Bachmann said that if she is elected president, she would consider eliminating the Department of Education because "the states could do a gooder job."

For the first time ever, women are scoring higher than men on IQ tests. Scientists say it has something to do with breast implants - not that it makes the women smarter, it just makes the men dumber.

A new study shows that American students are becoming less proficient in science, and if the trend continues, we will become a nation that’s science and chemistry illiterate. And you thought a lot of meth labs are blowing up now?

The Democratic Convention is $27 million in debt. They had to cancel the kick-off event at the Charlotte Motor Speedway. A speedway is the perfect place for the Democratic Convention. You go around in circles, turn left every few seconds, and you end up right where you started.

9% would give up sex for the remote control. 91% has already given up sex for the remote control!

I'm going to be going to a secluded spot where no one can find me - NBC prime time.

George W. Bush went into a think tank this week and almost drowned.