Quotes & Jokes by Jay Leno / page 10

If Arnold is elected, you know who I'd feel sorry for? The people on death row. Imagine, you're about to be executed, the governor calls, you think it's your reprieve, and you hear 'Hasta la vista, baby.'

I saw something stupid in the paper today - a new alarm clock that makes no noise. It's for people who don't like loud noises. Instead, it slowly hits you with light and gets brighter and brighter until you wake up. I already have one of those... it's called a window.

Wait till these Enron guys find out that in prison, the term "Insider trading" has a whole new meaning.

A new study shows that American students are becoming less proficient in science, and if the trend continues, we will become a nation that’s science and chemistry illiterate. And you thought a lot of meth labs are blowing up now?

The best way to ruin a comedy is to throw a lot of money at it.

Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!

Michele Bachmann said that if she is elected president, she would consider eliminating the Department of Education because "the states could do a gooder job."

An Israeli man's life was saved when he was given a Palestinian man's heart in a heart transplant operation. The guy is doing fine, but the bad news is, he can't stop throwing rocks at himself.

For the first time ever, women are scoring higher than men on IQ tests. Scientists say it has something to do with breast implants - not that it makes the women smarter, it just makes the men dumber.

How would it be if we discovered that aliens only stopped by earth to let their kids take a leak?

Disneyland celebrated its 40th anniversary by burying a time capsule. They say it will be dug up in 50 years - or when the last person in line at Space Mountain gets to the front, whichever comes first.

People don't mind if you have a lot of money if they know you're working for it.

There are now more obese people in the United States than there are overweight people. I think it's safe to say that after all these years, Diet Coke is a complete failure.

President Bush spoke with the Amish. He didn't want to, but it was the only group he could find that wasn't upset about the high price of gas.

I'm going to be going to a secluded spot where no one can find me - NBC prime time.