Quotes & Jokes by Jay Leno / page 11

French troops arrived in Afghanistan last week, and not a minute too soon. The French are acting as advisers to the Taliban, to teach them how to surrender properly.

Newsweek reported that 87 Congressman are currently having affairs. In fact, that is why they have roll call ever morning, to see who is back from the motel. Last call Kennedy! I know these guys like to poll their constituents but this is ridiculous.

A new study published by The British Medical Journal found that inactivity can kill you. I mean, these are the kind of findings that just scare the hell out of Congress.

Congratulations to the Italian people for winning the World Cup. They won after France’s best player got ejected for head butting. That’s the closest anyone in a French uniform has come to combat in 60 years

The University of Ilinois has hired 15 women to smell pig manure all day so that researchers can find out what makes pig manure smell so bad. You know who I feel sorry for? The woman who applied for this job and got turned down.

My dad's idea of a good time is to go to Sears and walk around.

Denmark is charging a fat food tax on cheese, meat, and oil. Here, we call that the Denny's Grand Slam breakfast.

President Bush is taking the entire month of August off. Bush said today he thinks it is important for a president to spend time away from Washington. Or at least that's what Dick Cheney told him.

If Arnold is elected, you know who I'd feel sorry for? The people on death row. Imagine, you're about to be executed, the governor calls, you think it's your reprieve, and you hear 'Hasta la vista, baby.'

The NFL draft is going to be this Thursday. That's a huge night for college players. That's the night they start being paid over the table.

According to the latest poll, a record 73 percent of Americans think the country is headed in the wrong direction. But the good news: Gas is so expensive that we’ll never get there.

A new poll shows only 3 percent strongly approve of the job Congress is doing, with a margin of error of 4 percent, so it’s possible that "less than no one" thinks they’re doing a good job.

The best way to ruin a comedy is to throw a lot of money at it.

Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak.