Quotes & Jokes by Jay Leno / page 13
What's going on with the Oakland Raiders? You know, I don't want to say the Raiders are bad, but you know, now, a lot of fans are painting their faces just so they won't be recognized.
Dick Cheney finally responded today to demands that he reveal the details of the Enron meetings. This is what he said. He met with unnamed people, from unspecified companies, for an indeterminate amount of time at an undisclosed location. Thank God he cleared that up. I'm ready to move on.
Did you know that 10% of all Americans have not had sex in 5 years? I didn't know there were so many Republicans...
Ratings for the XFL are so low that pretty soon they'll be able to address the viewers by name.
If we go down in flames, we will be laughing on the way down, believe me.
According to a British poll, you've only got a one in five chance of achieving your childhood career ambition. Which probably explains why you don't run into that many cowboys, princesses, or space rangers.
According to a new poll, 50 percent of Americans think the country is divided. The other 50 percent think it isn't.
According to geologists, about 100 million years from now, Asia and the Americas will smash together to form one giant supercontinent. The good news: Maybe all those jobs that went over there will finally come back.
50% of Americas population spends less than 10 dollars a month on romance. You know what we call these people? Men!
A Minneapolis company has come out with a credit card size shotgun that fits in your wallet. The inventor says he invented it to give people a sense of security. Oh yeah, what makes you feel more secure than sitting on shotgun? Now how does this work? What's the first thing a thief steals? Your wallet, oh, now he's got your gun too!
55% of all Americans lose their remote control 5 times a week. That means that they must see the same show for up to 3-4 minutes a time!
If you came here tonight for sex with a talk show host, you've got the wrong studio.
When we started this show, my hair was black and the president was white. When we started the show, Jon and Kate were both eight.
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.