Quotes & Jokes by Jay Leno / page 12
CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into three parts: regular, premium and unleaded.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak.
People don't mind if you have a lot of money if they know you're working for it.
A Libyan rebel has admitted to killing Moammar Gadhafi. He said he shot Gadhafi twice in the temple, to which Michele Bachmann said, "I didn't even know the guy was Jewish."
After seeing Condit last night, we now realize how great a liar Clinton was.
9% would give up sex for the remote control. 91% has already given up sex for the remote control!
There are now more obese people in the United States than there are overweight people. I think it's safe to say that after all these years, Diet Coke is a complete failure.
British scientists say they have developed a super broccoli that can help fight heart disease. You know, if you want to fight heart disease, why don't you come up with a food people will actually eat? Like a super glazed doughnut.
What's going on with the Oakland Raiders? You know, I don't want to say the Raiders are bad, but you know, now, a lot of fans are painting their faces just so they won't be recognized.
In America, we like everyone to know about the good work we're doing anonymously.
Dick Cheney finally responded today to demands that he reveal the details of the Enron meetings. This is what he said. He met with unnamed people, from unspecified companies, for an indeterminate amount of time at an undisclosed location. Thank God he cleared that up. I'm ready to move on.
This year there are 50 women on the Forbes richest list, or as John Kerry calls that, his little black book.
According to a British poll, you've only got a one in five chance of achieving your childhood career ambition. Which probably explains why you don't run into that many cowboys, princesses, or space rangers.
If we go down in flames, we will be laughing on the way down, believe me.