Quotes & Jokes by Jay Leno / page 4

Gas stations are considering hiring security guards. Why are they getting security guards? We're the ones getting robbed.

President Bush appeared with Arnold Schwarzenegger at a huge campaign event. Only in California can a governor who speaks German and a president who can barely speak English try to make themselves clear to an audience that's primarily Spanish.

A review of studies by physicians found that excessive exercise is bad for your heart. Another study says a daily serving of chocolate is actually good for your heart. That's got to make next year New Year's resolution easier to keep. "I'm going to exercise less. Eat a little more chocolate."

The first case of mad cow disease since 2006 was discovered right here in the United States. The good news, since the cow is in California, instead of putting the cow down, they are going to enroll him in anger management classes.

John Kerry speaks French fluently. Democrats are saying he's one in a million. A war hero who speaks French, isn't it more like one in a trillion?

You know what they should call this war - Son of Bush vs. Son of a Bitch.

I didn't realize it was October until I saw the Chicago Cubs choking.

Stephen Hawking is getting a divorce. That's scary. If the smartest guy in the world can't figure out women, we're screwed.

Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.

Bristol Palin came in third in 'Dancing with the Stars.' Sarah Palin is not at all happy with the decision - she's already planning to refudiate it.

A new study says that working fewer hours can slow global warming. So you know what that means? President Obama's economic policy is also his climate change policy.

I have the same friends I had in high school. I'm married to the same woman I had. I'm still driving the same car I had when I dated her, although I got a few more. I come in here and I enjoy it. I enjoy being a voyeur to show business. I enjoy looking at it and being around it. But it doesn't become my life. I don't let it absorb me.

It is said that life begins when the fetus can exist apart from its mother. By this definition, many people in Hollywood are legally dead.

The most impressive thing about President Obama's State of the Union speech last night was that he did the whole thing without a single drink of water.