Quotes & Jokes by Jay Leno / page 8
They always say the Miss America Pageant isn't a beauty contest, it's really a scholarship program. If that's the case, why don't we just put all the contestants on "Jeopardy!" and pick Miss America that way? At least you get the smartest one.
A new poll shows that Americans now believe that Bill Clinton is more honest than President Bush. At least when Clinton screwed the nation, he did it one person at a time.
For the first time ever, overweight people outnumber average people in America. Doesn't that make overweight the average then? Last month you were fat, now you're average - hey, let's get a pizza!
If I have one advantage, it's that I will try to work harder than the next guy.
Twenty-one years ago today Saddam Hussein was first elected president of Iraq and he has been re-elected ever since. Apparently they have the same electoral process we do, you don't need the popular vote to win.
Al Jazeera aired a new tape of Osama bin Laden. It was the usual stuff, he called Bush evil, the Great Satan, called him a war monger. Basically, the same thing you heard at last night's Democratic debate.
Well, in sports news, the big story is the NFL now stands for 'Not For Limbaugh.'
At his wife's 60th birthday party in Jackson Hole, Wyoming, Dick Cheney had a huge steak and battered onion rings for dinner. Afterward he met with 100 donors, not campaign donors, heart donors.
Republican presidential hopeful Mike Hucka-BS is attacking actress Natalie Portman for getting pregnant without being married. It could get a little awkward if he runs into Sarah and Bristol Palin at Fox News.
The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
A new study published by The British Medical Journal found that inactivity can kill you. I mean, these are the kind of findings that just scare the hell out of Congress.
Hillary Clinton said that her childhood dream was to be an Olympic athlete. But she was not athletic enough. She said she wanted to be an astronaut, but at the time they didn't take women. She said she wanted to go into medicine, but hospitals made her woozy. Should she be telling people this story? I mean she's basically saying she wants to be president because she can't do anything else.
Isn't it a little ironic here? We pick politicians by how they look on TV and Miss America on where she stands on the issues. Isn't that a little backwards?
A historic operation occurred over in Boston. Doctors successfully transplanted tissue from a pig's brain to a man's brain - and the man's brain did not reject it. That pretty much confirms what women have been saying about men.