Quotes & Jokes by Jay Leno / page 7

I was in the ROTC. Of course, ROTC stood for 'Running off to Canada.'

One of President Obama's winning points last night was about how sanctions against Iran are crippling their economy... and believe me if anyone knows how to cripple an economy it's President Obama!

The 99 Cent Only Store is calling itself your Valentine's Day headquarters. Guys, if that's your Valentine's Day headquarters, you can also call the garage your new home.

The New York Police Department says Iran has conducted surveillance inside New York City. They say Iranian operatives are using special mobile surveillance units. I believe they're called taxi cabs.

President Bush said for security reasons, he's sworn off all e-mail communication. He will not be using email at the White House at all. Is that a good idea? I mean, it's not like that speaking thing was working out so good.

President Clinton, this guy is sharp. Boy, he gave Hillary the most romantic Valentine's gift today, a huge rose garden. Where would he get that?

In California, 50 women protested the I'm pending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word peace. Right idea, wrong president.

They always say the Miss America Pageant isn't a beauty contest, it's really a scholarship program. If that's the case, why don't we just put all the contestants on "Jeopardy!" and pick Miss America that way? At least you get the smartest one.

President Obama wants Congress to increase the minimum wage. Believe me, when it comes to doing the minimum for their wage, Congress knows what it's talking about.

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"

President Bush played golf yesterday and I understand Vice President Dick Cheney also got in a couple of strokes.

You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.

For the first time ever, overweight people outnumber average people in America. Doesn't that make overweight the average then? Last month you were fat, now you're average - hey, let's get a pizza!

There was one embarrassing moment for President Bush. When he heard there were forged documents that had been discovered he said: 'What? You mean they found my diploma from Yale?'

The new specialty at the Iowa fair this year is fried butter on a stick. Of course, if you’re like me and you want like to eat healthy, get your stick of butter baked.