Quotes & Jokes by Jeff Foxworthy / page 23

People always ask me, "Did you see Larry's latest movie?" I always say, "No, but I flushed a ten dollar bill down the toilet, so I feel like I've seen it."

My wife is like, You finally get your own TV show, you can have any kind of car you want and you get a darned truck. But my brother and I have the same kind of truck now.

In my life, I have driven some crappy vehicles. But I have never been so desperate for a vehicle that I wanted a used rental car.

You might be a redneck if your coat-of-arms features kudzu.

Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist.

You might be a redneck if your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.

You might be a redneck if you own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.

You might be a redneck if you can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt.

You might be a redneck if you have the taxidermist's number on speed-dial.

You might be a redneck if your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the front yard.

You might be a redneck if you have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.

You might be a redneck if more than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.

You might be a redneck if you keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.'

The stuff that made me mad 20 years ago doesn't really make me mad any more.